你平時(shí)說(shuō)過(guò)謊嗎？你是否會(huì )無(wú)意識地欺騙自己？Cortney Warren博士表示，我們經(jīng)常會(huì )自我欺騙，而直面自我欺騙是一生的課題。當我們接受事實(shí)，直面真實(shí)的自己時(shí)，才會(huì )有機會(huì )做出改變，去過(guò)對自己來(lái)說(shuō)最充實(shí)的人生。
視頻：雅思口語(yǔ)
Humans are masters of self-deception. We fool ourselves into believing things that are false and we refuse to believe things that are true. I was in graduate school when I really started delving into the topic of self-deception. And it rocked my world.
人類(lèi)是自我欺騙的大師。我們欺騙自己去相信錯誤的，而卻拒絕相信真相。我是在研究生時(shí)開(kāi)始深究自我欺騙這一課題的。這個(gè)課題徹底改變了我的世界。
I saw it everywhere, in everyone. We lie to ourselves about the smallest details, such as how much we really ate today, and why we didn't list our actual height and weight on our driver's license.
我隨時(shí)隨地、在每人身上都能看到自我欺騙。我們對自己的欺騙體現在極微小的細節，比如今天到底吃了多少，為什么不在駕照上填真實(shí)身高體重。
We lie to reflect our aspirational goals: 'I'll only have one glass of wine tonight,' - when I know I'm drinking at least three. We lie to uphold social ideals: 'I never have sexual thoughts with anyone except my spouse,' because that wouldn't be acceptable. We lie about our most important life choices, such as why we married who we did, or chose our given career path. Unfortunately, for all the romantics out there, love is rarely the full motivation for those choices.
我們的謊言反應了內心的期望目標：“我今晚只喝一杯酒”。事實(shí)上我知道自己要喝至少3杯。我們撒謊也是為了維持理想的社會(huì )道德：“我從未對我配偶以外的人有性幻想”因為那樣是不能接受的。關(guān)于最重要的人生選擇，我們也會(huì )撒謊。比如為何選擇現在的配偶、或現在的事業(yè)。不幸的是，對所有的浪漫主義者來(lái)說(shuō)，愛(ài)卻往往不是那些選擇的主要原因。
Nowhere was self-deception more obvious than in my romantic relationships. I was terrified of being left. My fear of abandonment led me to act in ways that are still hard for me to admit - anxiously awaiting a phone call, driving to see if he was where he said he would be, asking repeatedly if he loved me. At the time, I couldn't have told you any of that, because I wouldn't have been able to admit it to myself.
自我欺騙在我的愛(ài)情里表現的最突出。我非常害怕被拋棄。這種害怕讓我有一些特定的行為，雖然至今都難以承認：焦慮地等一個(gè)電話(huà)，開(kāi)車(chē)去看他是否真在他所說(shuō)的地方，不停地問(wèn)他是否愛(ài)我。那時(shí)，我不可能告訴你這些，因為我對自己都不能承認這些事實(shí)。
At the core, we lie to ourselves because we don't have enough psychological strength to admit the truth and deal with the consequences that will follow. That said, understanding our self-deception is the most effective way to live a fulfilling life. For when we admit who we really are, we have the opportunity to change.
核心在于，我們對自己撒謊是因為沒(méi)有足夠心理承受力去承認這一切，并處理隨之而來(lái)的后果。盡管如此，了解自我欺騙卻是活得充實(shí)的最有效的方法。因為當我們承認真實(shí)的自己時(shí)，我們就有機會(huì )做出改變。
It's hard to look at this photo and think, 'Liars!' But our self-deceptive tendencies start here. From a very early age we start observing and making conclusions about ourselves and our environment. Right or wrong, the conclusions we made affected our identity.
看著(zhù)這些照片，你很難想到“騙子！”這個(gè)詞。但我們的自我欺騙傾向就始于這里。很小的時(shí)候，我們就開(kāi)始觀(guān)察并對周?chē)h(huán)境和自己下結論。對與錯，這些結論影響了我們的身份。
As adults, we will most want to lie about how psychologically painful realities experienced as children affected who we are today. Perhaps you were raised in a single parent home, in which you were neglected by your father. You learned that something was wrong with you - you weren't smart enough, attractive enough, athletic enough. You concluded that to make people love you, you need to be perfect.
作為成年人，我們最想掩蓋的是童年時(shí)現實(shí)所造成的心理創(chuàng )傷如何影響了今天的我們。也許你成長(cháng)于單親家庭，你的父親經(jīng)常忽視你。你了解到自己有些問(wèn)題：你不夠聰明，不夠吸引人，不善于運動(dòng)。你下結論說(shuō)，要讓大家愛(ài)你，你必須變得完美。
As an adult, when someone points out your imperfections, you feel tremendous anxiety but deny where it comes from. Perhaps you felt ugly as a child because you were teased for your appearance. You learned to eat in response to emotional pain. As an adult, you struggle to maintain a stable weight, because your eating has very little to do with hunger. Perhaps you watched your parents fight. You learned to avoid conflict. Now, you struggle to admit even feeling negative emotion.
作為成年人，當有人指出你的缺點(diǎn)時(shí)，你感到非常不安，但卻否認原因何在。也許你小時(shí)候覺(jué)得自己丑，因為你曾因外貌被恥笑。你學(xué)會(huì )了內心痛苦時(shí)求助于食物。到了成年，你苦于要穩定體重，因為你吃東西很少是由于饑餓。也許你看過(guò)父母爭吵。你學(xué)會(huì )了避免沖突?，F在，你甚至難以承認消極情感。
Although each of our specific childhood learnings will be unique, what we learned will be exemplified in the lies we tell ourselves as adults. Psychological theories of human nature can help us understand our self-deception. Sigmund Freud first described lying through ego-defense mechanisms: Psychological strategies that protect our egos - our core sense of self - from information that would hurt us.
盡管我們每人的童年經(jīng)歷都很獨特，我們所學(xué)到的都會(huì )反映在成年后的謊言里。人類(lèi)本性的心理理論，會(huì )幫助我們理解自我欺騙。弗洛伊德最先通過(guò)自我防御機制描述撒謊：這些心理戰略用于保護我們的自我——核心自我意識——不受某些信息的傷害。
Denial: Refusing to believe that something is true,even though it is. 'I don't have a problem with alcohol,' - even though I drink everyday. 'I'm not jealous,' - even though I secretly check my partner's email.
否認：拒絕相信一些事實(shí)即使那是真的?！拔也](méi)有酒精上癮”——即使我每天喝酒?！拔也](méi)有嫉妒”——盡管我偷偷翻看愛(ài)人的郵件。
Rationalization: Creating a reason to excuse ourselves. 'I wouldn't have yelled at you if you hadn't treated me so unfairly,' thereby justifying my yelling. 'I know that smoking isn't good for my health, but it helps me relax,' thereby justifying my smoking.
理性化：創(chuàng )造一個(gè)理由來(lái)原諒自己?！叭绻銢](méi)有對我不公平，我本不會(huì )沖你吼的?！边@樣就為喊叫找到了借口?！拔抑牢鼰煂ξ也缓?，但是它能讓我放松?！边@樣就為吸煙找到了理由。
Projection: Taking an undesirable aspect of ourselves and ascribing it to someone else. 'I'm not like that. You're like that.' When dating someone you've lost interest in, you say things like, 'You're not ready for this relationship,' when, in fact, you're not ready for this relationship and never will be!
推測：將對自己不滿(mǎn)意的一面歸咎于他人?！拔也皇悄菢?。你才是那樣?！碑斈銓s會(huì )對象失去興趣后，你會(huì )說(shuō)，“在這段關(guān)系里，你還沒(méi)準備好?！倍鋵?shí)，是你沒(méi)準備好而且永遠不會(huì )！
Pioneers in the cognitive-behavioral realms describe how our thoughts deceive us through cognitive distortions - irrational ways we think.
意識-行為界的先驅們描述了我們的想法如何通過(guò)意識扭曲（不合理的思考方式）來(lái)欺騙我們。
Polarized Thinking: Thinking in extremes. 'I will either eat no cookies or an entire box, because if I eat one cookie, I've already blown my diet, so I might as well keep eating.'
兩極思考：極端地思考?！拔乙床怀燥灨?，要么吃一盒，因為如果吃一塊我已經(jīng)打亂了節食，所以不如繼續吃?！?/p>
Emotional Reasoning: Thinking that our feelings accurately reflect reality. 'I feel hurt; so you must have done something bad to me.' 'I feel stupid; consequently I am stupid.'
情感推理：認為情感準確反映了現實(shí)?！拔腋杏X(jué)很受傷，你肯定對我做了錯事?！薄拔矣X(jué)得自己好蠢，最終我會(huì )變得愚蠢?！?/p>
Overgeneralization: Taking a single negative event as an infinite spiral of defeat. After going through a bad breakup, you think, 'I am always going to be alone.' After getting denied a promotion at work, you think, 'I am never going to be successful in my career.'
籠統概括：把一個(gè)消極事件看成失敗的無(wú)限循環(huán)。經(jīng)歷一次痛苦分手后，你就想“我要永遠孤獨了?！币淮紊氃獾骄芙^后，你想“我的職業(yè)生涯要一事無(wú)成了?！?/p>
From an existential perspective, we deceive ourselves to avoid the Givens of Life - the fundamental realities of 'being human' that we must face.
從存在主義角度看，我們欺騙自己以避免“既定的生命”——我們必須面對的“作為人類(lèi)”的基本現實(shí)。
Death – we’re all going to die;
死亡：我們終將死去。
Ultimate aloneness - we were born as a single person housed in a solitary physical body;
終極孤獨：我們生來(lái)就是存在于孤立軀體里的獨立個(gè)體。
Meaninglessness - our lives are inherently meaningless unless we give them meaning; and Freedom - we are responsible for ourselves because we have the freedom of choice.
無(wú)意義：我們的生命本無(wú)意義，除非我們給予它意義。還有，自由：我們?yōu)樽约贺撠?，因為我們有選擇的自由。
To avoid confronting these realities, we frequently lie to ourselves: 'I am this way because of my upbringing;' - thereby deferring responsibility for my choices. 'The bad things on the news would never happen to me;' - because I am somehow special, and uniquely protected from harm. 'I won’t write a will. I am young. I’m not going to die anyway;' - thereby denying our mortality.
為避免這些現實(shí)，我們常常對自己撒謊：“我之所以這樣，全因我的家庭教育”因而推出自己的選擇該歸責于誰(shuí)?！靶侣劺锏膲氖虏粫?huì )發(fā)生在我身上”因為我比較特殊，所以能免于傷害?！拔也粫?huì )寫(xiě)遺言。我還年輕?？傊也粫?huì )死?！睆亩头穸怂劳?。
Multicultural and feminist psychologists describe how internalization of cultural norms affect us. Here, we deceive ourselves by believing what we were culturally conditioned to believe is true, instead of deciding what we actually believe is true. Do you compromise yourself to meet cultural norms? Do you think you need to look a certain way, be a certain weight, earn a certain income, get married, have children, be religious because you are supposed to or because you believe that it's right for you?
多文化和女性主義心理學(xué)家們描述了文化準則的內化如何影響我們。這里，我們欺騙自己是通過(guò)相信我們的文化決定了我們相信什么，而非通過(guò)決定自己到底相信什么。你是否會(huì )對文化準則妥協(xié)？你是否認為自己需要以特定方式思考，有特定的體重，掙特定數量的錢(qián)，結婚、生子、信教，因為這些是你該做的還是因為這些是適合你的？
All of these theories of human nature help us understand how we deceive ourselves on a daily basis. Why should you care? Self-deception leads to massive amounts of pain and regret. To avoid being honest, we frequently make choices with harmful consequences to ourselves and others - we may use drugs, alcohol, eat, shop, gamble, steal, lie, leave people or pass our emotional baggage down to those we love the most.
所有這些人類(lèi)本性的理論幫我們理解我們每天是如何欺騙自己。你為何該關(guān)心這個(gè)呢？自我欺騙能導致巨大的痛苦和悔恨。為逃避誠實(shí)，我們通常作出的選擇會(huì )傷害自己和他人——我們可能嗑藥、酗酒、暴食、狂購、賭博、偷竊、撒謊、離開(kāi)某人?；蚴菍⒆约旱那楦邪娂佑谖覀冏?lèi)?ài)的人。
Or, we may choose not to change even when we are miserable or causing profound harm to those around us. Looking back at life with regret is incredibly painful, because you can't change your choices in the past. As I shared earlier, I struggled greatly in my romantic relationships. I knew that I didn't feel safe, but I believed it was my boyfriend's fault - if he just called me more, told me he loved me more, then I would feel safe. The truth was there was nothing he could do to make me feel safe, because my feelings had nothing to do with him. The reason I didn't feel safe is that I learned as a child that people would always leave me, and I lived my life making choices consistent with that belief. When we don't take full responsibility for who we are, we hurt ourselves and everyone around us.
或者，我們會(huì )拒絕改變，即使我們過(guò)得痛苦或給周?chē)嗽斐缮钪貍?。帶?zhù)悔恨回首人生是極其痛苦的，因為你無(wú)法改變過(guò)去的選擇。如我開(kāi)始所說(shuō)，我在愛(ài)情中痛苦掙扎過(guò)。我知道自己沒(méi)有安全感，但卻相信是我男朋友的錯——如果他能多給我打電話(huà)，多跟我說(shuō)愛(ài)我，那么我就會(huì )感到安全了。而事實(shí)是他無(wú)法做任何事來(lái)讓我感到安全，因為我的感受都與他無(wú)關(guān)。我缺安全感的原因是，我在小時(shí)候了解到周?chē)丝倳?huì )離開(kāi)我，而我一生的選擇總基于這種想法。我們傷害了自己和周?chē)娜恕?/p>
Now what? How do we start acknowledging the lies we tell ourselves? How do we start becoming more honest liars? The first step is self-awareness - we become observers of ourselves. When you have a strong emotional reaction to something, pause. When what you say doesn't match how you act, pause. When you're thinking irrational thoughts, pause. Ask yourself: What does this say about me?
現在怎樣呢？我們如何承認對自己的謊言？如何成為更誠實(shí)的騙子呢？第一步是自我意識——變成自己的觀(guān)察者。當你對任何事有強烈的情感反應時(shí)，先停下。當你言行不一時(shí)，先停下。當你有不理智的想法時(shí)，先停下。問(wèn)問(wèn)自己：這說(shuō)明了我的什么？
Similarly, most of us spend a tremendous amount of energy trying to get over someone or something that happened to us. And we generally avoid examining our contribution to conflict in our lives. When you are unresolved about something or someone, pause. Ask yourself: What does my reaction to this situation say about me?
As we become more honest and aware, we also become more responsible for our choices. If we admit that we are insecure about something - which we all are - we're now confronted with a choice: to work on our insecurity or not.
類(lèi)似地，大多數人花大量精力試圖忘卻過(guò)去的某人某事。而且我們基本上回避審視自己在爭論的責任。當你對某人某事意猶未決時(shí)，停下。問(wèn)問(wèn)自己：這種情況反映了我的什么？當我們變得更誠實(shí)和有意識，我們也對自己的選擇更有責任感。如果承認自己對某事無(wú)安全感——我們都是這樣——就會(huì )面臨一個(gè)選擇：處理這種不安全感還是忽視。
Whatever we decide, we are now more responsible for the consequences of our insecurity, because we know better. Not changing when confronted with the truth is a choice. Although we can’t control many circumstances we encounter in life, we are responsible for our reactions to all of them. In that vein, one of the best ways to confront our self-deception is psychotherapy.
無(wú)論如何決定，我們現在都對不安全感的后果更有責任感，因為我們對此了解更多。面臨事實(shí)而不改變，也是一種選擇。盡管我們無(wú)法控制生命中的種種情況，我們都對自己做出的反應負責。在這種狀態(tài)下，面對自我欺騙的最好的方式之一就是心理治療法。
It is probably the only relationship that you will ever have in your entire life that exists solely to benefit you. Yet, a great deal of stigma exists around therapy. People frequently say things like, 'I don't need therapy. It's only for crazy or weak people who can't help themselves.' The truth is, it takes tremendous courage to be completely vulnerable to another human being. Therapy is truly a gift if you are courageous enough to accept it. Confronting our self-deception is a lifelong journey. We change and the world offers us new opportunities to understand ourselves. There is always more to learn. I was on the perfect path to be a successful academic.
這可能是至今你遇到的唯一一個(gè)為你的利益而存在的一種關(guān)系。然而，這種治療經(jīng)常帶來(lái)羞恥感。人們經(jīng)常這樣說(shuō)：“我不需要治療。這都是針對那些瘋子或軟弱的人、無(wú)法自救的人?！笔聦?shí)是，在另一個(gè)人面前完全展示脆弱，需要很大勇氣。如果你有勇氣接受它，治療真的是一種福利。直面自我欺騙，是需要一生的過(guò)程。我們改變，則世界會(huì )給予我們新的機遇來(lái)了解我們自己?？偸怯懈嘈枰獙W(xué)習的。
I received tenure here at UNLV, two years ago. And in about six weeks, I will be unemployed, because I resigned. Getting tenure and then quitting is about the last thing anyone would expect from a faculty member. Especially me. I love psychology! I love teaching. I love research. I love my department. I had an amazing experience at UNLV. But the truth is, my passion isn't in academia anymore. To admit that to myself was brutally painful! Because I had to confront all of my self-deceptive tendencies and insecurities.
我曾經(jīng)踏上了走向學(xué)術(shù)成功之路。兩年前我接受了內華達大學(xué)拉斯維加斯分校的終身任職。而6個(gè)星期之后我將會(huì )失業(yè)，因為我已經(jīng)辭職了。得到終身職位卻辭職，大概任何人都不會(huì )想到一個(gè)教職工會(huì )這樣做。除了我。我愛(ài)心理學(xué)！我愛(ài)教書(shū)，我愛(ài)研究，我愛(ài)我們系。我在拉斯維加斯分校的經(jīng)歷難忘。但事實(shí)是，我不再想做學(xué)術(shù)了。對自己承認這一點(diǎn)真是相當痛苦！因為我必須面對我的自我欺騙傾向和不安全感。
'What if I disappoint people? What will my family say? What am I going to do? What if I can’t support myself? Who am I if I am not a professor? What if my whole life changes!? What if my whole life doesn't change?' If I had chosen to stay in academia, I would have paid a huge psychological price. I would have to admit that I was not strong enough to make different choices for myself when confronted with the truth.
“萬(wàn)一我讓別人失望怎么辦？我的家人怎么想？之后要怎么做？萬(wàn)一失去經(jīng)濟保障呢？我不當教授了要干什么？萬(wàn)一我的生命徹底改變呢??？抑或是一點(diǎn)也沒(méi)變呢？”如果我選擇留在學(xué)術(shù)界，我就得付出沉重的心理代價(jià)。我就會(huì )不得不承認自己不夠堅強，當面對事實(shí)時(shí)為自己做出不同的選擇。
Be more honest liars. Choose to become more honest about the lies you tell yourself. Use the truth to live the most fulfilling life for you, because you've only got one.
成為更誠實(shí)的騙子吧。面對那些對自己撒的謊，更誠實(shí)吧。接受事實(shí)，去過(guò)對自己來(lái)說(shuō)最充實(shí)的人生，因為你只有一次機會(huì )。
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