Does this sound familiar?
You’re a good woman. Smart. On the fast track to success. Respected by your peers.
You meet a guy, and suddenly you feel woozy, off-balance, insecure. You start to exhibit strange behaviors:
Don’t act like a candidate trying to earn the love of a man. You already deserve his love. Because just like I’m a headhunter for global companies, you are a headhunter as well. You’re a headhunter for the most important search of your life.
It’s as if you’ve been stricken with a strange obsessive-compulsive disorder.
It’s called New Boyfriend Syndrome.
You know what happens next?
He dumps you.
Why?
Because you changed. He liked you for you, not for this sad, faint ghost of you.
New Boyfriend Syndrome will get you dumped.
When you rush in like this to tie down a man, it’s like you’re shouting: “Pick me! Please!!” You give the impression that you’re in love with love, not with him. Your actions will make him feel you’re desperate and he’s ordinary because you’d act the same way with anyone.
Unfortunately, too many women rush toward committed relationships before gaining a clear sense of what they want out of life or what they’re looking for in a man. As one woman recently explained to me:
I can’t wait to get married. Then I’ll feel like I’m really living. Before I get married, I’m only half-alive.
Your approach to men may be undermining your ability to have a more fulfilling relationship, and if that’s the case, it’s probably impacting your sense of self-worth as well.
Even if you don’t know when Mr. Right will appear, you don’t have to feel needy. Needy people are scary, and men find excuses to avoid them.
You are the headhunter. Men are your candidates.
Don’t act like a candidate trying to earn the love of a man. You already deserve his love. Because just like I’m a headhunter for global companies, you are a headhunter as well. You’re a headhunter for the most important search of your life.
So when you have a new boyfriend, don’t obsess: “Where is he and who is he talking to??”
Rather, ask: “Does this guy measure up to my standards?”
Ultimately, he wants you to choose to be with him not because you’re desperate, but because of how special he is. And it’s only on the basis of how special he is that you as a headhunter should be evaluating him.
For a man to love you, he needs to respect you.
Don’t wait by your cellphone for your new man. Go out, have a life, and call back when it fits your schedule. Don’t rearrange your plans around him. Maintain a little bit of mystery about yourself. Your message should be: “I like you but I don’t know if you’re the right guy for me. Let’s have fun and learn more about each other.”
Allow him to “steal” you away from your busy life. Show him that you’re not interested in locking him down. In fact, the less you push for a commitment, the closer you’ll be to getting one. When a man sees that you’re happy with him but you can be just as happy without him is when he’ll never want to leave your side.
It’s good man-seduction strategy to maintain a bit of distance. But keeping a bit of distance is even more important to the overall success of your search. Because you need to consider any one man against the entire candidate universe.
Any man is just one of your many candidates.
Let multiple men chase you. At the same time. Go on hikes with men, go to museums with them, play badminton with them, volunteer with them, just have fun with them. You do not have to have sex with them all! In fact, I think you should be careful about whom you have sex with, as I’ve explained here.
Your single years are the only time in your entire life that you’ll get a chance to meet, flirt with, date a wide range of men, so don’t waste these years tied up in a series of long-term relationships.
Not only will you gain more experience with men, but you’ll also have time to yourself, embracing who you are and learning how to care for yourself. This way, you’ll be less likely to try to make someone else your everything.
As we become more mature and autonomous, we naturally begin to look for more in our relationships. Autonomy is the basis for true intimacy.
Don’t try too hard to please any man.
Don’t live by anyone else’s ideals but your own, and you’ll start to relate to men very differently. Anytime you’re too worried about someone else’s approval, that person will lose respect for you.
A headhunter is a woman who won’t obsess over anyone else’s opinion, whether that person is a man or anyone else in her life. Truly powerful people don’t explain why they want respect. They simply don’t engage someone who doesn’t give it to them.
So, don’t ever succumb to New Boyfriend Syndrome. Don’t ever meet a guy and try to insert yourself into his life.
Because you already have a life. Your life.
這樣的情況聽(tīng)起來(lái)耳熟嗎？
你是一個(gè)好女人。聰明伶俐。正在通往成功的快行道上。為同齡人所仰慕。
你遇見(jiàn)了一個(gè)男人，然后一下子就暈了，失衡了，缺乏安全感了。你還開(kāi)始展現出怪異的行為：
這就好像你遭到強迫癥的襲擊一樣。
這叫作新男友綜合征。
不要表現得像一個(gè)候選人，想要贏(yíng)得一個(gè)男人的愛(ài)。你已經(jīng)值得擁有他的愛(ài)了。因為就像我是一個(gè)獵頭為全球化的公司服務(wù)一樣，你也是一個(gè)獵頭，正在進(jìn)行人生中最重要的搜索。
你知道下面會(huì )發(fā)生什么嗎？
他甩了你。
為什么？
因為你變了。他喜歡原來(lái)的你，而不是這個(gè)愁眉苦臉、弱不禁風(fēng)的鬼魂。
新男友綜合征會(huì )讓你被甩
當你這樣沖進(jìn)來(lái)想套牢一個(gè)男人時(shí)，你其實(shí)就像是在吶喊：“選我吧！求求你了??！”你給人的印象是你愛(ài)的是愛(ài)情，而不是他。你的行為會(huì )讓他覺(jué)得你很絕望，而他很平庸，因為你可能對其他人也作出同樣的行為。
不幸的是，太多女人都在明了自己想要怎樣的生活、怎樣的男人之前，就沖進(jìn)帶承諾的感情中。正如一個(gè)女人最近跟我解釋的：
我想馬上結婚。那樣我會(huì )覺(jué)得自己是在真正地生活。結婚前，我只是半活著(zhù)。
你和男人交往的方式也許會(huì )削弱你的戀愛(ài)能力，使你無(wú)法獲得一個(gè)更令人滿(mǎn)意的戀愛(ài)關(guān)系，而如果那種情況發(fā)生了，很可能也會(huì )影響你的自我價(jià)值感。
即使你不知道白馬王子何時(shí)會(huì )出現，你也沒(méi)必要覺(jué)得貧窮饑渴。饑渴的人是可怕的，男人會(huì )找借口躲開(kāi)這樣的女人。
你是獵頭。男人們是你的候選人
不要表現得像一個(gè)候選人，想要贏(yíng)得一個(gè)男人的愛(ài)。你已經(jīng)值得擁有他的愛(ài)了。因為就像我是一個(gè)獵頭為全球化的公司服務(wù)一樣，你也是一個(gè)獵頭，正在進(jìn)行人生中最重要的搜索。
所以當你有了一個(gè)新男友時(shí)，不要纏著(zhù)他不放：“他在那里？他在和誰(shuí)說(shuō)話(huà)？”
相反，要問(wèn)：“這個(gè)男人能達到我的標準嗎？”
最終，他希望你選擇和他在一起不是因為你饑渴難耐，而是因為他資質(zhì)超群。而且他的超群資質(zhì)正是你作為獵頭對他進(jìn)行評價(jià)的基礎。
要想讓一個(gè)男人愛(ài)你，就需要他來(lái)尊重你
所以，不要守在手機旁等你的新男友。出門(mén)去，活出滋味，然后在你的日程允許的時(shí)候再回他電話(huà)。不要重新安排你的計劃，以便圍著(zhù)他團團轉。為你自己保留一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)神秘感。你要傳遞的信息應該是：“我是喜歡你，但我不知道你是不是適合我的男人。讓我們玩得開(kāi)心一點(diǎn)，多了解彼此一點(diǎn)吧?！?/font>
允許他把你從你的繁忙生活中“偷走”。展現給他看：你沒(méi)興趣把他拴得緊緊的。事實(shí)上，你越少說(shuō)“承諾”這個(gè)詞，你就離得到承諾的境界近一些。當一個(gè)男人看見(jiàn)你和他在一起時(shí)很開(kāi)心、你沒(méi)和他在一起時(shí)也很開(kāi)心，他就再也不想把你晾在一邊了。
保持一點(diǎn)距離，是引誘男人的好技巧。但是保持一點(diǎn)距離對于搜索的成功更重要。因為你需要將每個(gè)男人放在整個(gè)候選人群體中考慮。.
任何男人只是你的眾多候選人中的一個(gè)
讓多個(gè)男人來(lái)追求你。同時(shí)，和他們去遠足，去博物館，去打羽毛球，去當志愿者，去純粹地玩樂(lè )。你沒(méi)必要和他們所有人上床！實(shí)際上，我覺(jué)得你在和誰(shuí)上床的問(wèn)題上要認真考慮，正如我在這里解釋的那樣。
你的單身年華是你的整個(gè)生命中唯一一段可以去和各種各樣的男人見(jiàn)面、調情、約會(huì )的時(shí)光，所以不要浪費了這些歲月，而把自己拴在一系列長(cháng)期的戀愛(ài)關(guān)系中。
你不但將獲得更多與男人打交道的經(jīng)驗，還會(huì )給自己騰出時(shí)間，擁抱自我，學(xué)會(huì )如何照顧自己。這樣，你就不大可能試著(zhù)把某一個(gè)人當成你的全部。
當我們變得更成熟、更自治的時(shí)候，我們自然而然會(huì )開(kāi)始在感情中尋找更多的東西。自治能為真正的親密建立基礎。
不要太努力地取悅任何男人
不要依靠其他任何人的理想而活，要為你自己的理想而活。如果你嚴謹地執行這一點(diǎn)，你會(huì )開(kāi)始以非常不同的方式和男人建立聯(lián)系。無(wú)論何時(shí)，一旦你過(guò)分憂(yōu)慮于他人的認同，那個(gè)人就會(huì )失去對你的尊重。
一個(gè)獵頭不會(huì )是一個(gè)執迷于另一個(gè)人的看法以致拿頭撞墻的女人，不管那個(gè)人是一個(gè)男人，還是她生活中的其他任何一個(gè)人。真正強大的人不會(huì )解釋他們?yōu)槭裁聪胍鹬?。他們只?huì )干干脆脆地停止和那些不尊重他們的人交往。
所以，不要再屈從于新男友綜合征了。不要再約會(huì )了一個(gè)男人、就把你自己強行插入他的生活中。
因為你已經(jīng)擁有一個(gè)生活。你的生活。
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