Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. They exist between two emotional human beings who bring their own past experiences, history, and expectations into it. Two different people also have different levels of skill when it comes to communication. But better communication, because it is a skill, can also be learned.

眾所周知，沒(méi)有什么東西會(huì )憑空出現，人際關(guān)系當然也不例外。經(jīng)常，在交往過(guò)程中，涉及的雙方都是有情感的活生生的人，會(huì )帶著(zhù)自己的過(guò)去以及對未來(lái)的期望。處于不同的交流層次雖然是難以避免的，然而溝通確實(shí)存在一些使之更為有效的技巧，而且是任何人都能學(xué)會(huì )的。

The most popular myth about communication in relationships is that since you talk to your partner, you’re automatically communicating. While talking to your partner is indeed a form of communication, if it’s primarily about everyday, “surfacey” topics (“How were the kids?” “How was work?” “How’s your mother?”), you’re not really communicating about the important stuff. This article is primarily about how to talk in a more open and rewarding manner with your significant other.

人際交往中最常見(jiàn)的一個(gè)迷是在你開(kāi)口講話(huà)的一瞬間，交流就已經(jīng)自動(dòng)開(kāi)始了。但是，雖然談話(huà)確實(shí)是交流的一種形式，日常生活中的一些“膚淺”對話(huà)（例如“孩子們怎么樣?””工作如何？”“令堂還好嗎？”）卻不能稱(chēng)之為交流，因為這些話(huà)語(yǔ)交換并不涉及重要信息的傳遞。在這篇文章中我將就如何更能敞開(kāi)了、并有所得地與重要的對象就行交流寫(xiě)一些看法。

Communication either makes or breaks most relationships. You can improve your relationship today, right now, by putting into practice some of these tips for improving the communication in your relationship.

交流可以建立關(guān)系當然也能破壞關(guān)系。但是如果你能在實(shí)際交往中運用下述的一些技巧，你將看到自己的人際交往發(fā)生神奇的改變。

1. Stop and listen.

一、平靜下來(lái)

How many times have you heard someone say this or read this in an article about communication skills? How hard is it to actually do when you’re “in the moment?” Harder than it sounds. When we’re knee deep within a serious discussion or argument with our significant other, it’s hard to put aside our point for the moment and just listen. We’re often so afraid of not being heard, we rush to keep talking. Ironically, such behavior makes it all the more likely we won’t be heard.

也許你已經(jīng)聽(tīng)說(shuō)過(guò)很多，并且自己也在雜志上看到過(guò)很多關(guān)于如何溝通的問(wèn)題，然而每一次當自己正處于溝通之中的時(shí)候，總發(fā)現看似簡(jiǎn)單的每一條要做到都是那么難。特別是與重要對象深陷嚴肅問(wèn)題的爭論泥潭時(shí)，把自己的觀(guān)點(diǎn)擱置一邊來(lái)聆聽(tīng)對方聽(tīng)起來(lái)近乎天方夜譚。我們總是擔心自己不能被理解，迫不及待的傾倒自己的主張，卻忽略了一個(gè)有點(diǎn)諷刺意味的事實(shí)——這樣的行為往往只會(huì )適得其反。

2. Force yourself to hear.

二、逼迫自己去聆聽(tīng)

You’ve stopped talking for the moment, but your head is still swirling with all of the things you want to say, so you’re still not really hearing what is being said. Laugh all you want, but therapists have a technique that works very well that “forces” them to really hear what a client tells them — rephrasing what a person has just said to them (called “reflection”).

現在你已經(jīng)停止講話(huà)了，但是你的頭腦中仍然充滿(mǎn)自己的想說(shuō)的一切，因此根本不會(huì )真的去聽(tīng)對方說(shuō)什么。此時(shí)的建議是：重復對方的話(huà)。盡管笑吧，但咨詢(xún)專(zhuān)家們確實(shí)是用這種方式來(lái)強迫自己聆聽(tīng)來(lái)訪(fǎng)者的述說(shuō)，而且非常有效。這一招叫做“映像”。

This may upset a partner if you do it too much, or do it in a tone that suggests you’re mocking rather than trying to seriously listen. So use the technique sparingly, and let your partner know why you’re doing it if they ask — “Sometimes I don’t think I’m getting what you’re telling me, and doing this lets me slow my mind down a bit and really try and hear what you’re saying.” 

需要注意的是這一招用太多很有可能激怒對方，尤其是你的語(yǔ)氣聽(tīng)起來(lái)更像嘲笑的時(shí)候。因此，盡量謹慎使用“映像法”吧。并且最好能向你的朋友解釋?zhuān)@樣做只是為讓自己頭腦慢下來(lái)以更清楚地聽(tīng)清他在說(shuō)什么。

3. Be open and honest with your partner.

三、開(kāi)誠布公

Some people have never been very open to others in their life. Heck, some people might not even know themselves, or know much about their own real needs and desires. But to be in a relationship is to take a step toward opening up your life and opening up yourself.

我們中的很多人總是無(wú)法對別人完全放開(kāi)，這樣不僅無(wú)法真正認識自我，甚至連自己究竟需要什么都不知道。而建立一段關(guān)系則需要破除藩籬，放開(kāi)自己。

Little lies turn into big lies. Hiding your emotions behind a cloak of invincibility might work for you, but won’t work for most others. Pretending everything is alright isn’t alright. And giving your partner the silent treatment is about as useful as a fish with a bicycle. In the desert. At night. These things may have “worked” for you in the past, but they are all barriers to good communication. 

小謊言的慢慢積累也許就是彌天大錯。遇事始終保持強硬的姿態(tài)也許會(huì )讓你好受點(diǎn)，但是對于大多數別的人則不然?？偸腔孟胍磺卸?/span>OK也不是真的OK，沉默起不到任何作用。這就像在沙漠中的時(shí)候，曾經(jīng)對你有用的東西卻成了障礙，同理在交流中也有很多類(lèi)似的狀況。

Being open means talking about things you may have never talked about with another human being before in your life. It means being vulnerable and honest with your partner, completely and unabashedly. It means opening yourself up to possible hurt and disappointment. But it also means opening yourself up to the full potential of all a relationship can be.

放得開(kāi)，就是能談?wù)撘恍┐饲霸谀阋簧卸紡膩?lái)沒(méi)有與人交談過(guò)的事物。不要害羞，害怕露出自己的脆弱的一面，要盡量做到真誠和毫無(wú)保留。這可能你必須直面某種痛苦和失望，但同時(shí)也意味著(zhù)一段潛在新關(guān)系的開(kāi)始。

4. Pay attention to nonverbal signals.

四、注意肢體語(yǔ)言

Most of our communication with one another in any friendship or relationship isn’t what we say, but how we say it. Nonverbal communication is your body language, the tone of your voice, its inflection, eye contact, and how far away you are when you talk to someone else. Learning to communicate better means that you need to learn how to read these signals as well as hear what the other person is saying. Reading your partner’s nonverbal signals takes time and patience, but the more you do it, the more attuned you will be to what they’re really saying, such as:

交流的重點(diǎn)常常不是我們說(shuō)了什么，而是說(shuō)的方式。非語(yǔ)言性的交流，即肢體語(yǔ)言，比如語(yǔ)氣、對方的反應、眼神交流以及你們之間的距離等等至關(guān)重要。在聽(tīng)對方說(shuō)話(huà)的同時(shí)，要能讀懂這些信號。當然這需要時(shí)間和耐心來(lái)協(xié)調。下面是幾點(diǎn)小總結：

•Folded arms in front of a person may mean they’re feeling defensive or closed off. 

1、抱臂?？赡苁菍Ψ絺鬟f受到了侵犯的信號，或者不想繼續的暗示。

•Lack of eye contact may mean they’re not really interested in what you’re saying, are ashamed of something, or find it difficult to talk about something. 

2、缺乏眼神交流。一般說(shuō)明對方對所談?wù)撛?huà)題不感興趣。這可能是出于對某些內容的尷尬回避，或者不知道如何繼續話(huà)題。

•Louder, more aggressive tone may mean the person is escalating the discussion and is becoming very emotionally involved. It might also suggest they feel like they’re not being heard or understood. 

3、加大音量。這種聽(tīng)起來(lái)更具有侵略性的語(yǔ)氣提示著(zhù)說(shuō)話(huà)者已經(jīng)完全投入話(huà)題中，情緒激動(dòng)。當然也可能是他們感覺(jué)自己沒(méi)有受到重視，講的話(huà)沒(méi)有人聽(tīng)。

•Someone who’s turned away from you when talking to you may mean disinterest or being closed off. 

4、轉身。若對方在你說(shuō)話(huà)的時(shí)候轉身，則說(shuō)明他不感興趣想立即停止談話(huà)。

All the while you’re reading your partner’s nonverbal signals, be aware of your own. Make and maintain eye contact, keep a neutral body stance and tone to your voice, and sit next to the person when you’re talking to them.

注意，留心對方談話(huà)中這些小動(dòng)作的同時(shí)，也應該注意自己。保持眼神交流，選擇合適的身體距離和語(yǔ)氣，并且坐到談話(huà)對象的旁邊去，都是必要的。

5. Stay focused in the here and now.

五、就事論事

Sometimes discussions turn into arguments, that can then morph into a discussion about everything and the kitchen sink. To be respectful of one another and the relationship, you should try and keep the discussion (or argument) focused to the topic at hand. While it’s easy to get in the cheap shots or bring up everything that an argument seems to call for, just don’t. If the argument is ostensibly about who’s making dinner tonight, keep it that topic. Don’t veer off down the country road of who does what in the house, who’s responsible for child rearing, and by the way, who cleans the kitchen sink.

有時(shí)爭吵的發(fā)生會(huì )波及一切不相干的事。在一段關(guān)系中能做到尊重，意味著(zhù)要盡其所能地就事論事。盡管翻出很多雞毛蒜皮的往事似乎能讓你占上風(fēng)，但是千萬(wàn)不要。如果爭吵內容是今晚該誰(shuí)做飯，就討論誰(shuí)該做飯這一個(gè)問(wèn)題。千萬(wàn)不要突然轉到誰(shuí)在這個(gè)家里做了什么，比如小孩誰(shuí)來(lái)帶，廚房水池該誰(shuí)洗。

Arguments that do veer off tend to escalate and grow larger and larger. One party needs to make an effort at that point to try and de-escalate the argument, even if it means walking away from it, literally. But do so as respectfully as possible, saying something like, “Look, I can see this isn’t going to get any better by discussing it tonight. Let’s sleep on it and try talking about it with fresh eyes in the morning, okay?”

爭吵確實(shí)很容易突然失去控制，轉向其他的東西而愈演愈烈。其中一方應該盡量遏制其發(fā)展，這時(shí)候應該走開(kāi)。但為了避免誤會(huì )這時(shí)一定要顯示出你的尊重。比如你可以這樣說(shuō)：“聽(tīng)著(zhù)，今晚再這樣吵下去不會(huì )有任何結果。我們休息吧，也許明早醒來(lái)頭腦比較清楚了再來(lái)談?wù)摃?huì )比較好，行嗎？

6. Try to minimize emotion when talking about important, big decisions.

六、在談?wù)撝卮笞h題時(shí)盡量控制住情緒

Nobody can talk about important, big matters if they feel emotionally vulnerable or charged-up and angry. Those are not the times to talk about the serious issues (like money, getting married, the kids, or retirement). You might think it impossible, nonsensical or even contradictory to talk about an emotional topic like getting married or having children without emotion. And yet, these discussions need to keep a foothold of rationality to them in order to not gloss over the realities that they bring. Marriage, for instance, brings the combining of households and living with another person day-to-day. Having kids isn’t just about cute toddler clothes and painting the nursery, but talking about who’s going to change diapers, feed the newborn, and be available at all hours of the day and night for months on end.

正值情緒低落、緊張或者憤怒的時(shí)候沒(méi)有人能討論重大事情。那不是討論錢(qián)、結婚、小孩和退休這樣大事的時(shí)間。也許你認為，不帶感情地討論像結婚、生孩子這樣的問(wèn)題很滑稽、矛盾，幾乎不可能。然而這些議題需要一個(gè)理性的立足點(diǎn)來(lái)讓人們認清一些事實(shí)。就拿婚姻來(lái)說(shuō)吧。結婚意味著(zhù)兩組家庭的結合，讓兩個(gè)人開(kāi)始朝夕相處。生孩子不是僅僅考慮買(mǎi)各種可愛(ài)的童裝以及如何打扮漂亮的嬰兒房的問(wèn)題，還必須商量好應該誰(shuí)給孩子換尿布、喂食。當然還有在接連幾個(gè)月的嬰兒期內誰(shuí)要24小時(shí)待命，隨叫隨到。

7. Be ready to cede an argument.

七、做好放棄的準備

How many times do we continue to argue or have a heated discussion because we simply want to be “right.” I’ve talked about this sense of needing to “win” arguments more than once. Why? Because so many of couples’ arguments revolve around one party thinking they’re “right” and the other party not willing to cede the point or back off. In fact, though, both parties need to back off. 

多少次我們持續爭吵、激烈爭論是因為想證明自己是對的？此前我不止一次地談?wù)撨^(guò)這種“想贏(yíng)”的心理。這是為什么呢？很多對夫妻吵架，都是圍繞著(zhù)一方認為自己正確無(wú)誤而另一方也堅持己見(jiàn)不肯后退而產(chǎn)生的。事實(shí)上，兩方都應該后退一步。

By doing this, are you giving up a piece of yourself by compromising and not insisting on how right you are? Well, that’s something only you can decide. Would you rather be in a happy relationship where you respect the other person, even if you may occasionally disagree with them? Or would you rather be in an unhappy relationship where you know you’re always right, no matter what? It just comes down to your priorities — if being “right” is more important to you than your partner’s happiness, then perhaps you have not found the right partner.

這樣的妥協(xié)表示你不再固執地認為自己一味正確，這也是這種情況下你唯一能決定的。你是愿意盡管時(shí)有不合但是仍然擁有一段美好的關(guān)系呢，還是即使把相處弄得糟糕也要堅持自己的觀(guān)點(diǎn)？這歸根結底在于你如何看待優(yōu)越感。如果“正確”對你來(lái)說(shuō)比另一方的快樂(lè )更重要的話(huà)，或許對方不是你的良人。

8. Humor and playfulness usually help.

八、幽默和嬉笑來(lái)幫忙

You don’t have to be funny in order to use humor and playfulness in everyday conversations. You just need to use the sense of humor you do have and try and inject it into more of your communications with your partner. Humor helps lighten everyday frustrations and helps puts things into perspective more gently than other methods. Playfulness reminds us that even as adults, we all have a side to us that enjoys fun and taking a break from the seriousness of work and other demands made on us. 

在日常談話(huà)中幽默輕松不是說(shuō)要表現得滑稽。你要做的僅僅是把自己固有的幽默盡量在談話(huà)中運用起來(lái)。幽默有助于聆聽(tīng)生活中的挫折，是洞察事物的一種很委婉的方式。而嬉笑則提醒我們，盡管已經(jīng)是大人了，我們仍應該給自己的精神放放假，暫時(shí)遠離嚴肅的工作，拋開(kāi)環(huán)境的期許，享受生活。

9. Communicating is more than just talking.

九、交流不僅僅是講話(huà)

To communicate better and more effectively in your relationship, you don’t only have to talk. You can communicate in other ways — through your actions, and nowadays, electronically too (through email, Facebook, blogs, texting or Twitter). All too often, couples focus only on the talking aspect of their relationship, but your actions also speak loudly. Keeping in touch throughout the day or week through email or other electronic means also reminds the person you’re thinking about them and how important they are in your life. Even if such communications are mainly playful or inconsequential, they can help lighten your partner’s day and improve their mood.

更好、更高效地交流，并不僅僅需要說(shuō)話(huà)，你得通過(guò)行動(dòng)來(lái)獲取。而今，各種電子媒介（電子郵件，Facebook, 博客，短信，推特）是不錯的選擇。常常，夫妻們只把交流的重點(diǎn)放在談話(huà)上，但是忽略了行動(dòng)也更加有力。通過(guò)郵件等電子媒介保持每日或每周聯(lián)系，能讓對方知道你在他的生活中占有多么重要的位置。這樣的交流看似很隨意也很無(wú)關(guān)緊要，卻是在聆聽(tīng)對方的生活，也能改善他的情緒。

Some couples also find that using email or another method is easier to discuss emotional issues rather than trying to do so face-to-face. It’s something to consider if every time you try and bring up a particular topic with your significant other, it turns into an argument or they shy away from it. Email or texting may be a way of communicating about such matters more openly and directly.

還有一些夫婦表示，通過(guò)電子郵件或者其他的方式比面對面更能讓他們交流沒(méi)有障礙。如果你總是在與重要對象討論某個(gè)問(wèn)題時(shí)發(fā)生爭吵或者躲避，好好考慮下這種方式吧。電子郵件或者短信也許更能讓你們暢所欲言，到位直接。

Nobody is a perfect communicator all the time. But you can work to become a better communicator by trying a few of these tips. They won’t all work, nor will they work all the time. Better communication, however, starts with one person making the effort to improve, which often encourages the other to come along for the ride

沒(méi)有長(cháng)勝的交流者，運用一些小技巧，卻能讓你獲得更好的交流體驗。盡管這些不是每一條都有用，也不都總是奏效，然而若對方看到了你做出的努力，也會(huì )受到激勵，這樣更好的交流才有可能發(fā)生。