[原創(chuàng )]（中英文對照）--構架婚姻的橋梁 - 婚姻咨詢(xún) - 心理治療師俱樂(lè )部 心理...
構架婚姻的橋梁
“要愛(ài)、尊重、珍惜……”大多數夫婦在他們婚禮的那一天都許下諾言，他們是發(fā)自?xún)刃牡?、并對將?lái)的幸福生活充滿(mǎn)了信心。他們也承諾要面對重要的挑戰，但是事與愿違，幾乎一半的婚姻都在挑戰面前敗下陣來(lái)，以離婚而告終。
離婚的原因有很多，然而，實(shí)際上導致感情破碎的常見(jiàn)原因是缺乏交流。也許似乎很驚訝。。。為什么呢？如果交流對于我們個(gè)人和我們的婚姻狀態(tài)這么重要，我們?yōu)槭裁床荒芎煤玫臏贤兀?br>
唯一的原因是，我們中的許多人從來(lái)就沒(méi)有學(xué)會(huì )有效溝通的技巧。如果交流可以讓我們彼此分享對方的感受，經(jīng)歷。那么交流就是我們和別人直接架起的一座橋梁。因此我們的交流目標就是要建造一座橋梁，而不是一堵墻。
為了婚姻內部有效的溝通、為了建造相互連接的橋梁，對夫妻來(lái)說(shuō)構建感情的安全感是最重要的。夫妻的關(guān)系應該是我們躲避風(fēng)暴的港灣。但是斯通見(jiàn)慣的是，家庭成為了戰場(chǎng)，在那里每一個(gè)人學(xué)習傷害對方的技術(shù)。很少有人真正的傾聽(tīng)對方在說(shuō)什么，因為大多時(shí)候你在試圖保護自己或如何報復對自己的攻擊。
為了幫助在你的婚姻內部鑄造一個(gè)安全的港灣，這里有幾條建議幫你提高有意義的溝通。
聽(tīng)，認真的傾聽(tīng)對方的話(huà)，這意味著(zhù)：當你的愛(ài)人說(shuō)話(huà)的時(shí)候，保持安靜－不要打斷對方、不要為自己辯護。
把自己放在你愛(ài)人的角度，這不意味著(zhù)認同他/她所說(shuō)的，但是讓自己充分地理解你愛(ài)人的感受這就是分享。
確認愛(ài)人的感受，重復他/她的話(huà)表示你確實(shí)理解他/她所說(shuō)的。我們所有的人都需要理解，當我們做到了，就能夠培養親密的感情。
不僅聽(tīng)他/她的每句話(huà)，也要感受話(huà)里所傳達的意義。試著(zhù)去理解所表達出來(lái)的傷害、沮喪、生氣、遺憾、辜負或其他的情緒。
試圖得到更多的信息，當你聽(tīng)的時(shí)候，要求澄清，得到所有的事實(shí)，以確保你的理解、不要妄下結論。
觀(guān)察那些非語(yǔ)言類(lèi)的信息，聲調、手勢、面部表情、看你的眼神、甚至是和你的距離，這些都會(huì )給你有用的信息。想一下當你看著(zhù)你愛(ài)人的眼睛對他/她說(shuō)“我愛(ài)你”和你看著(zhù)窗外或盯著(zhù)地板說(shuō)“我愛(ài)你”有什么不同。
用“我”而不是用“你”，用“我”打頭的話(huà)開(kāi)始你們的溝通。“你”開(kāi)頭的句子像是在責備。比如，你說(shuō)：你根本不會(huì )管理錢(qián)財。這樣的話(huà)根本不會(huì )幫助你，反而讓他/她站到你的對立面上，采取防御措施。如果你說(shuō)“我真的很關(guān)心我們的財政問(wèn)題”這樣的話(huà)里感覺(jué)不到威脅，反而可以開(kāi)始一段沒(méi)有指責的、積極的、正面的溝通。
抽出時(shí)間來(lái)做一個(gè)有意義的討論，表現出你百分之一百地愿意傾聽(tīng)。
提前就告訴你的愛(ài)人你們要討論的話(huà)題，而不是給他/她突然一擊。讓他/她知道溝通是為了找到解決問(wèn)題的辦法，不是為了指責。
只討論你們正在討論的話(huà)題，不要翻過(guò)去的舊帳，過(guò)去的讓它過(guò)去，不要再提起。你的目的不是在糾錯和詆毀。你是為了尋找和你的愛(ài)人培養親密關(guān)系的方法，他/她是你決定要共度一生的人！
婚姻中的溝通困難嗎？通常是這樣的。然而，有計劃的、堅持不懈的、耐心的、再加上基本的溝通技巧，有效的溝通是可以實(shí)現的，建立一個(gè)橋梁，使你們的婚姻長(cháng)壽。假如你發(fā)現你們的婚姻中很少有溝通或干脆就沒(méi)有溝通，咨詢(xún)師也可以協(xié)助你建筑溝通的橋梁，使你的婚姻回歸正常軌道。
by Lorrie McCann
時(shí)間：06/07/01
來(lái)源：workplaceblue.com
Building Bridges Within a Marriage
"To love, honor and cherish..." - they're the promises made by most couples on their wedding day, promises made in earnest, with hearts full of hope. They're also promises that provide significant challenges - challenges that apparently can't be met in the almost half of all marriages as they end in divorce.
While the reasons for divorce are many, a common thread in virtually all fractured relationships is a lack of communication. Why then, if communication is vital to our survival as individuals and to the institution of marriage, are we often so bad at it?
One reason may be that many of us never really learned the skills necessary to communicate effectively. If communication is about sharing our feelings and experiences with each other, then communication can also be viewed as the bridge that connects us to others. Our communication goal, therefore, should be "bridge" building, not "wall" making as it too often seems to be in many marriages.
To communicate effectively within a marriage, to build that connecting bridge, it's important that the relationship create "emotional safety" for the partners. Your relationship should be a haven from the storms of life. But all too often, a relationship becomes a battleground where each partner becomes well schooled in the art of inflicting pain on the other. In such cases, it's impossible to really hear what the other person is saying, since most of the time you're trying to protect yourself from further attack or figure out how to counter-attack yourself.
To help build a safe haven within your marriage, here are some guidelines that can help improve meaningful communication:
Listen, really listen to each other - that means keeping quiet - not interrupting or defending yourself while your partner is speaking.
Put yourself in your partner's shoes - that doesn't mean agreeing with your partner, but only stretching yourself enough to understand the experience your partner is sharing.
Validate your partner's feelings - provide feedback that shows you truly understand what is being said. All of us need to feel understood - when it happens it's a powerful feeling that fosters intimacy.
Listen not just to the words, but also for the feeling within the message. Try to understand the hurt, sadness, anger, loss, betrayal or other emotions being expressed.
Ask for more information. As you listen, ask for clarification, get all the facts, be sure you understand and don't jump to conclusions.
Monitor your nonverbal messages. Voice tone, hand gestures, facial expressions, eye contact, posture, even the distance between you, can all send powerful messages. Think of the difference between saying "I love you" while looking into your partner's eyes, or saying the same phrase while looking out the window or staring at the floor.
Use "I" rather than "You" messages. Statements that start with "I" foster communication. "You" statements that assign blame stifle it. Saying to your partner that "You are terrible at handling money" can't help but bring a defensive reaction. Saying, instead, "I'm really concerned about our finances," is much less threatening and can open a positive discussion without pointing a finger of blame.
Make time for significant discussions. Set appointments. Show your partner that you are willing to listen one hundred percent.
Tell your partner ahead of time what the issue is, rather than launching a surprise attack. Demonstrate you want to communicate to find solutions, not just to assign blame.
Stay focused on the issue at hand. Don't dredge up old hurts from the past. The longer you know each other the more ammunition you have in your arsenal. Drop the past. Your goal is not to search and destroy. You're seeking ways to develop intimacy with the person you have chosen to spend your life.
Is communication within a marriage difficult? Often it can be. However, with planning, persistence and patience, plus basic communication skills, effective communication can take place and allow you to build a bridge to each other that will last a lifetime. If you find your marriage is suffering from poor or nonexistent communication, a counseling professional may be able to help you get that bridge building back on track。
by Lorrie McCann
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