關(guān)于性愛(ài)
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My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
我的感情生活非常糟糕，我最后一次進(jìn)入一個(gè)女人的身體是參觀(guān)自由女神像。
The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
我和我的老婆唯一一次同時(shí)獲得高潮是在法官簽署離婚文件時(shí)。
The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you.
性和死亡的區別在于，死亡你可以獨立完成，而且沒(méi)有人會(huì )取笑你。
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
做愛(ài)就像是玩橋牌。如果你的搭檔不怎么樣，你最好還是依靠自己的雙手吧。
On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
玩雙性戀可以立刻讓你周六晚的約會(huì )機會(huì )翻倍。
Don’t knock masturbation; it’s sex with someone I love.
不要詆毀擼；擼是我與自己的真愛(ài)之間發(fā)生的關(guān)系。
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
性減輕壓力，愛(ài)情則相反。
Love is the answer. But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
愛(ài)是答案?？墒钱斈阍诘却鸢傅臅r(shí)候，性會(huì )提出幾個(gè)很好的問(wèn)題。
Allen: What are you doing Saturday night??
Woman: Committing suicide.?
Allen: What about Friday night?
艾倫；你周六晚上要干啥？
女子：去自殺。
艾倫：那周五晚呢？
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伍迪艾倫的哲學(xué)
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Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
我們能夠確切的了解宇宙嗎？我的天吶，能在唐人街不迷路就夠不易的了。
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind--a-pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house. ?
宇宙只是上帝的一閃念——這是個(gè)叫人很不舒服的念頭，特別是如果你剛剛付了買(mǎi)房子的首期。
Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you're dressed for it. ?
永遠的虛無(wú)沒(méi)什么所謂，如果你為之穿著(zhù)適當的話(huà)。
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. ?
不僅上帝不存在，你試試看周末能不能找到一個(gè)水管工吧。
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人生感悟
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It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
世上大體分成好壞兩種人，好人晚上睡得踏實(shí)，而壞人更享受醒著(zhù)的時(shí)間。
80 percent of success is showing up.
百分之八十的成功是到場(chǎng)。（詳情見(jiàn)評論）
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關(guān)于伍迪艾倫自己
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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
我人生的一大遺憾就是我不是別人。
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
對你們來(lái)說(shuō)，我是個(gè)無(wú)神論者；對上帝來(lái)說(shuō)，我是個(gè)忠實(shí)的反對派。
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
我不想通過(guò)我的作品達到不朽，我想通過(guò)不死來(lái)達到。 我不想活在人們心里，我想活在我的公寓里。
The two biggest myths about me are that I'm an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I'm an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years.
人們對我最大的兩個(gè)誤解是：他們僅僅因為我戴眼鏡就認為我是知識分子；他們總以為我是藝術(shù)家，因為我的電影總是賠錢(qián)。 這兩個(gè)誤解曾盛行一時(shí)。
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Getting Even (1971)
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I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
我不相信有來(lái)生，不過(guò)我還是隨身帶一套換洗內衣。
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Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask) (1972)
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Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
性是骯臟的嘛？只有當它被做對了的時(shí)候才是。
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Sleeper (1973)
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My brain: it's my second favorite organ.
我的大腦是我第二喜歡的器官。
Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.
哦，他可能是美國國家來(lái)福槍協(xié)會(huì )的成員，這個(gè)組織致力于幫助罪犯獲取槍支以便對市民進(jìn)行射擊。所以這是一項公共服務(wù)。
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Love and Death (1975)
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To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness — I hope you're getting this down.
去愛(ài)就是去受罪，為了避免受罪，就別愛(ài)。但是，又會(huì )因為沒(méi)愛(ài)而受罪。所以，去愛(ài)是受罪，不去愛(ài)也受罪，受罪就是受罪。想要幸福就去愛(ài)，之后卻會(huì )變成受罪，受罪又會(huì )讓人不幸福，因此，想要變得不幸福就去愛(ài)吧，或者愛(ài)上受罪，或因為太幸福了而受罪——我希望你聽(tīng)白了。
Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.
人被分成精神和肉體。精神擁抱一切崇高的追求，例如詩(shī)或者哲學(xué)，而肉體卻享受一切快樂(lè )。
After all, there are worse things in life than death. If you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know what I'm talking about.
畢竟還有比死更糟糕的事。如果你曾經(jīng)和一個(gè)賣(mài)保險的一起呆過(guò)一個(gè)傍晚你就明白我的意思了。
The key is, to not think of death as an end, but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
關(guān)鍵是，不要把死亡當作一種終結，而是從更積極的角度去把它當作一種削減開(kāi)銷(xiāo)的手段。
Sonja: "Violence is justified in the service of mankind!"
Boris: Who said that?
Sonja: Attila the Hun!
Boris: You're quoting a Hun to me?
Sonja: 為了全人類(lèi)的利益，暴力是有理的。?
Boris: 這是誰(shuí)說(shuō)的？
Sonja: 匈奴王阿提拉！?
Boris: 你在跟我引用匈奴人的話(huà)？
Sonja: Sex without love is an empty experience!
Boris: Yes, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best!
Sonja: 沒(méi)有愛(ài)的性是一種空虛的體驗。?
Boris: 是的，但在所有空虛的體驗里，它算是最棒的那一種了。
Countess: You are a great lover!
Boris: I practice a lot when I'm alone.
Countess: 你真是個(gè)好情人！
Boris: 我獨自一人時(shí)經(jīng)常練習。
Him: Come to my quarters tomorrow at three.
Sonja: I can't.
Him: Please!
Sonja: It's immoral. What time?
Him: Who is to say what is moral?
Sonja: Morality is subjective.
Him: Subjectivity is objective.
Sonja: Moral notions imply attributes to substances which exist only in relational duality.
Him: Not as an essential extension of ontological existence.
Sonja: Can we not talk about sex so much?
Him: 明天三點(diǎn)來(lái)我家吧。
Sonja: 我不去。?
Him: 求你了來(lái)吧。
Sonja: 這是不道德的。幾點(diǎn)？
Him: 道不道德誰(shuí)說(shuō)了算？
Sonja: 道德是主觀(guān)的。?
Him: 主觀(guān)性是客觀(guān)的。?
Sonja: 道德觀(guān)念蘊涵著(zhù)只存在于相關(guān)的二元性中的實(shí)體之屬性。?
Him: 但不是本體論存在的本質(zhì)擴展。
Sonja: 我們能不總談?wù)撔悦矗?br>
Boris: I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If he was a carpenter, I wondered what he charged for bookshelves.
Boris: 我穿過(guò)樹(shù)林的時(shí)候在思考耶穌的事。如果他是個(gè)木匠的話(huà)，我想知道他打個(gè)書(shū)架收費多少錢(qián)。
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Without Feathers (1975)
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The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife — a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
順便說(shuō)一下關(guān)于死亡的主要問(wèn)題，主要是對沒(méi)有來(lái)生的恐懼——這是個(gè)令人心灰意冷的想法，特別是對那些不辭辛苦剃須的人。同時(shí)還有一種恐懼，是擔心明明有來(lái)生可誰(shuí)也不知道去哪里才能過(guò)來(lái)生。不過(guò)往好的方面看，死是少數幾件只要輕輕松松的躺下就行的事。
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
要是我們世界里的一切都是幻覺(jué)，一切東西都根本不存在呢？要真是那樣的話(huà)，我地毯肯定買(mǎi)貴了。
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
上帝要是能為我顯顯靈該多好！比如，以我的名字在瑞士銀行存入一大筆錢(qián)。
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
我并不擔心死去……只是希望它來(lái)臨的時(shí)候，我恰好不在那兒。
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Annie Hall (1977)
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There's an old joke. Two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort. One says, "The food at this place is really terrible."
The other says, "l know, and such small portions."
That's essentially how l feel about life: full of loneliness, misery, suffering and unhappiness...and it's all over much too quickly.
有個(gè)老笑話(huà)，兩個(gè)老太太下榻在卡茨基尼山假日酒店。其中一個(gè)說(shuō)道：“這的食物真難吃?！?br>另一個(gè)說(shuō)：“是啊，而且量還這么少?！?br>這跟我對人生的看法是一樣的：充滿(mǎn)了孤獨，悲傷，苦難和不幸……而且這一切又結束得太快了。
I never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member,
我永遠也不想加入一個(gè)有我這種人做會(huì )員的俱樂(lè )部
I fell that life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. The horrible would be like terminal cases and blind people, cripples. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. So when you go through life, be thankful that you're miserable. You're very lucky to be miserable.
我覺(jué)得人生可以分為恐怖的和可悲的兩種?？植谰捅热绲昧私^癥啊，成了瞎子啊或者殘廢了什么的。我不知道他們是怎樣熬過(guò)一生的，我無(wú)法想象。因此，當你在度過(guò)這一生時(shí)，應該慶幸你是個(gè)可悲的人。能成為一個(gè)可悲的人說(shuō)明你非常幸運。
Annie: lt's so clean out here.
Singer: Because they don't throw garbage away. They make it into TV shows.
安妮：這里（指好萊塢比弗利山）真干凈啊。
辛格：因為他們不扔垃圾，他們把垃圾都做成了電視劇。
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
我在玄學(xué)考試時(shí)因作弊被開(kāi)除了，我偷看了我旁邊男生的靈魂。
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Side Effects (1980)
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Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
有趣的是，現代天文學(xué)家們認為，空間是有限的，這是讓人感到很舒服的一種想法——尤其是對那些從來(lái)記不住把東西放在哪的人。
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Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993)
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I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.
我給她買(mǎi)了這塊手帕??，但我還不知道她的尺碼。
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Deconstructing Harry (1997)
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Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.
在空調和教皇之間，我會(huì )選擇空調。
Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
傳統就是對持久性的幻覺(jué)。
Doris: You have no values. With you it's all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
Harry: Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan, and win!
Doris:你沒(méi)有價(jià)值觀(guān)，你擁有的僅僅是虛無(wú)主義，犬儒主義，挖苦諷刺和性高潮。?
Harry:嘿，在法國我能憑著(zhù)這句口號就在競選中勝出!
The most beautiful words in the English language aren't "I love you" but "it's benign."
英語(yǔ)中最美的詞句不是“我愛(ài)你”，而是”你的腫瘤是良性的”。
All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.
有一個(gè)真理眾人皆知。我們的生活包含著(zhù)我們如何去扭曲它。
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Standup Comic (1999)
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A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said "no."
簡(jiǎn)單說(shuō)一下口頭避孕，幾周前我曾深切地切身體驗了口頭避孕——我請求一個(gè)女孩跟我上床，她說(shuō)“不”。
I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
我不能喝酒——我的身體會(huì )承受不了酒精（精神）。除夕夜那天我喝了兩杯馬提尼后，試圖劫持一架電梯飛到古巴。
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
當我被綁架后，我父母立即采取了行動(dòng)——他們把我的房間租了出去。
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里面有一部分是直接扒的孫仲旭老師的翻譯，
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