真愛(ài)可以有好多個(gè)，但是陪伴走到最后共度一生的只有一個(gè)，或者說(shuō)，在某個(gè)特定階段只能有一個(gè)。
真愛(ài)易尋？
譯者：劉 蕊
校對：倪凌暉
策劃：劉 璠
How many break-ups does it take to find ‘the One’?
分手多少次才能找到真愛(ài)？
本文選自 The Guardian | 取經(jīng)號原創(chuàng )翻譯
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Recently, a friend of mine crumpled in on herself over what I thought was a fairly normal lunch. “I need to stop breaking up with people,” she said into her vegetarian chilli. “I’m too picky, I need to settle or I’ll just end up alone like Cruella de Vil.”
最近我和一位朋友享用了一份在我看來(lái)極為普通的午餐，飯桌上她一蹶不振?！拔也荒茉俜质至?，”她對著(zhù)素食里的辣椒說(shuō)道：“我太挑三揀四了，還是要安定下來(lái)，要不然就會(huì )像庫伊拉·德·維爾（Cruella de Vil）那樣孤獨終老了?！?/span>
（譯者注：迪士尼1961年經(jīng)典動(dòng)畫(huà)片《101忠狗》的反派角色）
It’s not the greatest example to use, because Cruella has a husband, great clothes and admirable drive – but that aside, my friend is typical of so many women I speak to. Strong, independent, excellent women who struggle because they’ve been fed this idea that we were supposed to meet our significant other as teenagers, grow up, get married and never so much have looked at another person.
庫伊拉·德·維爾或許并不是最合適的例子，畢竟她已婚，還有豪車(chē)美服。但她卻是我所有女性朋友中非常具有代表性的一位。她們堅強、獨立、優(yōu)秀卻常常痛苦不已，因為她們被灌輸了這樣一種觀(guān)念：我們應該在年少時(shí)遇見(jiàn)那個(gè)他，青梅竹馬地長(cháng)大，再步入婚姻的殿堂，從此“他人是路人”。
My boyfriend is a good 10 years older than me, and I’ve struggled a lot with his relationship history, considering that it includes an engagement and a lot of really exciting sounding holidays (but mainly the engagement) – because it doesn’t fit the narrative I’ve been fed. The narrative that my parents had. They met at 14 and that was, it seems, that. And not in a boring way either; they’re best friends, do everything together, and are single-handedly fuelling this myth that we are all floating around looking for the One when, the fact is, there are probably lots of Ones.
我男朋友比我大十幾歲，對于他的情史我也是糾結了很久。他經(jīng)歷過(guò)一次訂婚和許多聽(tīng)上去就很有趣的度假（但我糾結的主要還是訂婚）。我之所以會(huì )有這樣的情緒，是因為這和我被灌輸的對婚姻和愛(ài)情的認識并不一樣。我所認識的婚姻和愛(ài)情是像我父母那樣的。他們14歲相遇，沒(méi)錯，就是這么年輕就相遇了，但其中的故事還挺有趣的。他們是彼此最好的朋友，什么事情都一起做。他們強化了我對愛(ài)情的一種誤解：我們在塵世中浮浮沉沉只為追尋那一生一世一雙人的愛(ài)情。但事實(shí)或許卻是“一生一世幾雙人”。
This is backed up by a recent poll for the Guardian and TSB by Ipsos Mori, which showed that the average Brit will have had three long-term romantic relationships in their lifetime, instigating 2.29 break-ups themselves. If you vehemently refuse to let go of the romance, you could see this as people taking quite a few goes to get to the One. But it’s more likely that there are Ones for different stages in our lives, and one One wouldn’t necessarily still be a One even if it had worked out, because context is just as important in relationships as fancying the pants off them.
MORI市場(chǎng)研究公司（Ipsos Mori）為衛報（Guardian）和勞埃德TSB集團（TSB）近期展開(kāi)的民調證實(shí)了這一點(diǎn)。民調顯示，英國人一生中平均會(huì )經(jīng)歷時(shí)間較長(cháng)且穩定的戀情3次，經(jīng)歷過(guò)2.29次分手。如果你對“一生一世一雙人”的這種愛(ài)情非常執著(zhù)的話(huà)，那你會(huì )認為人們經(jīng)歷不同的戀情只是為了最終能找到命中注定的那個(gè)TA。但真相可能是，在不同的人生階段，我們的真命天子也會(huì )不同。就算你遇到了你認為的真命天子，也并不代表世界上不會(huì )有其他真命天子存在，因為在感情的世界里，外界因素和赤裸的欲望同樣重要。
vehement /'vi??m?nt,ˋvi?m?nt/ showing very strong feelings or opinions 感情強烈的；觀(guān)點(diǎn)激烈的
In simpler terms, we often have to forsake the One to get a better One, and it will take nearly three break-ups to get there. Perhaps that’s because we change as we move through life. It makes sense that the person we were besotted with at 18 years old might not suit us when we’re in our 30s, after two career changes, two geographical overhauls and a new fringe.
簡(jiǎn)單來(lái)說(shuō)，我們通常需要放棄一段戀情，才能尋找到更好的TA——大概經(jīng)歷三次分手，你才會(huì )找到那個(gè)真命天子?；蛟S是因為人生走著(zhù)走著(zhù)，我們自己就變了。18歲時(shí)自己曾神魂顛倒的那個(gè)人，在換了兩份工作，搬了兩次家，換了一個(gè)新劉海后，對于已邁入30歲的我們來(lái)說(shuō)也許不再合適。
I like to think that my boyfriend and I would have been together, had we been a similar age, whatever had happened, but that’s the fairytale narrative talking. We both met at a specific time, when we were single and needing specific things. As well as this, he has been fully in love with someone else. I have been fully in love with someone else. We might, in the future, fall in love with other people. And this isn’t as negative, or upsetting, as it sounds, because surely it’s better than flogging a dead relationship horse?
我常常想，男朋友和我若是年齡相仿，那么當初無(wú)論發(fā)生什么，我倆都不會(huì )分開(kāi)，可這也只是癡人說(shuō)夢(mèng)話(huà)罷了。我們在特定的時(shí)間相遇，當時(shí)的我們都是單身，需要特定的東西。除此之外，他現在已經(jīng)愛(ài)上了別人，而我也有了自己的心儀對象。未來(lái)我們或許還會(huì )愛(ài)上他人。這聽(tīng)起來(lái)令人消極沮喪，但事實(shí)恰恰相反，畢竟還有什么比吊死在一棵樹(shù)上更糟糕的呢？
I told my friend – the instigator of so many break-ups (four) – a quote I came across after a fairly gruelling break-up of my own: “it’s better to be single than in the wrong relationship”. I repeat this to everyone I meet. We’re often frightened of being single because of this fantasy that the One exists, and what if the person we are with is the One, even though it doesn’t feel right? We will ignore red flags. We will forgive too much. We will pretend everything is fine just because it all seems fine, and ignore everything that doesn’t fit that easy, comforting box. Worse, we will see the relationship as perfect, and blame ourselves when it falls apart, forgetting that it always takes two people for a situation to crumble. It takes two to lose communication, two to lose intimacy. And, most importantly, a relationship that has ended, for whatever reason, was a relationship that you’re better out of.
在經(jīng)歷了一次激烈的分手之后，我突然意識到：與其在糟糕的戀情當中飽受折磨，倒不如保持單身。我將這份感慨與我的朋友分享——她經(jīng)歷過(guò)四次分手，也與我遇見(jiàn)的每個(gè)人分享。我們心存著(zhù)對真命天子的幻想，于是對單身滿(mǎn)懷恐懼。萬(wàn)一和我們在一起的那個(gè)人就是我們的真命天子，但感覺(jué)不怎么對，怎么辦？我們會(huì )忽略各種示意感情危機的信號，屢屢選擇原諒。我們會(huì )假裝一切都如看起來(lái)那般美好，忽略那些我們不想看到的事物。更糟糕的是，我們會(huì )將這段感情視作完美，任何問(wèn)題出現都只會(huì )責怪自己，而忘了“一個(gè)巴掌是拍不響的”。從無(wú)所不談到相對無(wú)言，從親密無(wú)間到視同路人，雙方都是有責任的。最重要的是，一段戀情無(wú)論出于什么原因而結束，你都不應再深陷其中。
We want the One so much that we will stay in situations long past their sell-by-date, and shame ourselves for acting like logical, rational people when we do initiate the beginning of the end. My friend recently ended a six-month relationship that didn’t feel right. Just like she would move on from a job or switch banks if it wasn’t working out. Relationships are more emotional, unless you really love banks, but it’s the same principle, and we need to stop feeling guilty, or that we’ve failed somehow. We don’t feel bad for leaving three jobs in our lifetime – if anything it shows focus and drive – so why should relationships be any different?
我們對真命天子的渴望太過(guò)強烈了，以至于即使戀情早已變質(zhì)，我們仍遲遲不愿走出，并且對提出分手時(shí)那個(gè)理性冷靜的自己感到羞恥。我朋友剛剛結束了一段長(cháng)達6個(gè)月卻不怎么合適的戀情，就像工作不合適換工作或是銀行不合適換銀行那樣。相較之下，感情這件事更加情緒化，除非你真的很愛(ài)這個(gè)銀行。但道理都是相通的，我們不應該感到羞恥，也不應該覺(jué)得自己很失敗。一生換三份工作我們覺(jué)得沒(méi)什么——反而顯示出了你的專(zhuān)注與努力——那結束戀情展開(kāi)新的生活又有什么不一樣呢？
It’s so much easier to sound wise when you’ve made the mistakes yourself. I was in a bad relationship. There was cheating, lying, hot rage outside a noodle cafe down the road and, worse, a quiet disconnect I couldn’t verbalise that had crept into the spaces between the fights. Once I knew this, I promptly stayed with him for four years. Why? Because, along with the narrative of the One, we’re also told that relationships are up and down, that staying with someone is hard, and that sometimes you have to compromise.
只有當你親自犯過(guò)錯時(shí)，你說(shuō)出來(lái)的話(huà)才會(huì )聽(tīng)起來(lái)特別有說(shuō)服力。我曾經(jīng)歷過(guò)一段糟糕的戀情。這段戀情里有背叛，有謊言，有街邊面店外的惡語(yǔ)相加，更糟糕的是有每次爭吵后形同陌路般的冷戰。這我都知道，但我還是和他待了四年。你問(wèn)我為什么？因為除了“真命天子”的理論，我們也常被告知任何戀情都會(huì )磕磕盼盼，相處不易，有時(shí)候要做出妥協(xié)。
verbalise /'v??b?la?z,ˋv?b??a?z/ to express something in words 用言語(yǔ)［文字］表達
Ending that relationship remains one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, because, say it with me: “it’s better to be single than in the wrong relationship.” I met someone afterwards who helped me understand that relationships don’t have to be as difficult as I’d thought, and that compromise feels very different to constant, unnoticed sacrifice. I might change, he might change, we might not work out – but, on the other hand, who knows? One thing I am certain of is that now I will have the strength to leave, if it comes to that. As we all should.
結束那段戀情是我人生中做過(guò)的最棒的決定，因為，來(lái)，跟我念一遍：“與其在糟糕的戀情當中飽受折磨，倒不如保持單身?！敝笪矣鲆?jiàn)了某人，他讓我明白感情并不如我所想的那樣困難重重，妥協(xié)也不等于一而再再而三地默默犧牲。我或許會(huì )有所改變，他也是，我們或許最后還是以分手告終——但再說(shuō)了，誰(shuí)又知道以后的事呢？可以確定的是，現在的我有了該放手時(shí)就放手的勇氣。我們都應如此。
So, stop looking back on your break-ups as failures, and the people who didn’t work out as lost opportunities. You need to end things to move on and find the best person for you right now – not 10 years ago. And don’t feel bad if you find yourself single again, as hard as it sometimes feels. Because once you’ve had that much-needed cry, you can hold on to the fact that – yep, I’m saying it one last time – it’s better to be single, than in the wrong relationship. Screenshot it. Put it as your phone lock screen. Tile your bathroom with it. Just make sure you never forget it.
所以不要再將分手視作失敗了，也不要再將不合適的人視作指縫間溜走的機會(huì )而感到惋惜了。你要開(kāi)始新的生活，尋找當下最合適你的那個(gè)人，而不是適合10年前的你的那個(gè)人。即使重回單身，雖然有時(shí)候確實(shí)很難過(guò)，但也不要沮喪， 一旦你難受到想要放聲大哭，你也可以好好想想——是的，這是我最后一次說(shuō)了——與其在糟糕的戀情當中飽受折磨，倒不如保持單身。把這句話(huà)截屏下來(lái)，設為鎖屏屏保，或是貼在浴室的墻壁上，確保自己不會(huì )忘記。
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