全在于你怎么說(shuō)
Post written by Sherri
撰文：雪莉
翻譯：暖盈929
We were at the mall a few weeks ago and stopped for a bite to eat. At the table next to us was a gentleman sitting with a couple of young kids. When they were done eating they got up and the man began dressing the youngest boy in his winter gear to take him outside. The little boy was having none of it. This little one complained, squirmed and put on quite the show while dad was trying to get him dressed .
幾個(gè)星期前我們在購物中心購物，稍作休息時(shí)吃了點(diǎn)東西。在我們旁邊的餐桌上坐著(zhù)一位男士和兩個(gè)小孩。他們吃完了后站了起來(lái)，那位男士開(kāi)始給最小的孩子穿上冬衣要帶他出去。這個(gè)小男孩兒卻不愿意，在爸爸試圖在給他穿衣服時(shí)，他一直抱怨，扭來(lái)扭去，非常不乖。
Then the dad, visibly annoyed and frustrated said “Come on! Let’s go! Put your boots on!…Hurry up!…Let’s go!…Do up your jacket!” I was a little taken aback, but I also didn’t know the whole situation and certainly wasn’t aware of the circumstances leading up to this exchange. As I’m now a parent, I am quite aware of the frustration that sometimes comes along with trying to get your kids to do anything they not keen on doing. I am certainly not judging that father in anyway for how he behaved.
隨后那位爸爸明顯惱怒了，抓狂地說(shuō)，“快點(diǎn)！走了！穿上靴子！……趕快！……走了！……整好你的夾克！”我有點(diǎn)吃驚，但是我也不知道整個(gè)狀況，肯定沒(méi)有了解這段爭吵之前的情景。由于我現在也是作父母的人了，我非常了解有時(shí)試圖讓孩子去做他們不喜歡的事情隨之而來(lái)的窘促。我當然不是在評判那位父親的行為。
What really struck me was that I say exactly the same words to our son when getting him ready to leave the house in the winter, so what makes me different from that stressed out father at the end of his rope in the mall? My tone. The words are the same, but how I say them is very very different. When I say these things it’s always in a light, “l(fā)et’s make it a game” tone and my son responds really well to that, so it works for me. It was interesting to me because this was really the first time the phrase “it’s not what you say but how you say it” really hit home.
實(shí)際上我想到的是，當冬天我給兒子穿衣準備出門(mén)時(shí)，我對他說(shuō)了完全一樣的話(huà)，那么我跟購物中心里那位無(wú)計可施、筋疲力盡的父親有何不同呢？應該是我的語(yǔ)氣。說(shuō)的話(huà)是一樣的，但是怎么把它說(shuō)出來(lái)卻是非常非常的不同。當我在說(shuō)這些話(huà)時(shí)，我總是以一種輕柔的，像“我們把它當游戲玩吧”這樣的語(yǔ)氣，而我的兒子對此的回應非常好，所以這個(gè)方法對我來(lái)說(shuō)很有效。我覺(jué)得很有趣，因為實(shí)際上這是第一次“不在于你說(shuō)什么，而在于你怎么說(shuō)”這句話(huà)真正地切中了要害。
Complexity of communication
溝通的復雜性
At its most basic level communication is simply the transfer of information from one thing to another. Add people to the mix each with different histories and experiences and suddenly communication becomes very complex. Communication extends beyond the words used and language spoken to include things like tone, volume, expression as well as non-verbal cues like eye contact and body language.
從最根本的意義上來(lái)說(shuō)，溝通不過(guò)是把信息從一個(gè)事物傳到另一個(gè)事物。將不同歷史背景和閱歷的人考慮進(jìn)去，突然間溝通就變得十分復雜了。溝通不僅僅包含使用的話(huà)語(yǔ)和所說(shuō)的語(yǔ)言，它還包含一些譬如語(yǔ)氣、音量、表情以及眼神交流和體態(tài)語(yǔ)這樣的非語(yǔ)言暗示。
As an example, take the following phrase: “OK, let’s go”. Try saying it out loud with no expression, harmless right? Try saying it with a smile, sound chipper and excited to go. A positive statement right? Now, try saying it loud, emphasizing every word, tilting your head to one side and sighing at the end. Suddenly this simple and harmless statement becomes rather unpleasant.
以下面這句話(huà)為例：“好，我們走吧”。試著(zhù)不帶任何表情地大聲說(shuō)出來(lái)。毫無(wú)惡意是吧？再試著(zhù)面帶微笑地說(shuō)，聽(tīng)起來(lái)很愉悅、興奮。這聽(tīng)起來(lái)積極向上，是吧？現在，試著(zhù)大聲說(shuō)，重讀每一個(gè)字，頭往一邊歪，最后嘆聲氣。突然這句簡(jiǎn)單毫無(wú)惡意的話(huà)就變得相當令人不悅了。
It can also depend on our relationship with the other person as well. If you’re chatting with a close friend and you know their personality it’s easier to interpret the message or to know what they mean even though it’s not necessarily what they said. If you’ve just met someone and don’t really know what they’re like it can be difficult to differentiate sarcasm and jokes from sincerity.
說(shuō)話(huà)方式也取決于我們與另一個(gè)人的關(guān)系。如果你在跟一位密友聊天，你知道他的個(gè)性，那么你就可以更容易地解讀對方的信息或者知道他的話(huà)的意思，即便你未必理解正確。如果你僅僅是剛認識某個(gè)人還并不了解他，那么要區分諷刺、玩笑和誠懇就有些困難了。
It’s not JUST how you say it either
這也不僅僅關(guān)乎你如何去說(shuō)
Think about all the different ways you communicate. There’s email, letters, instant messaging, and twitter all of these methods don’t require a spoken word but the complexity is the same if not increased. Think about how many times you’ve either had one of your emails misinterpreted or have misinterpreted one yourself.
思考一下你在與人溝通時(shí)用的各種不同的方式。電子郵件、書(shū)信、短信、推特，所有這些方式并不需要你張口說(shuō)話(huà)但是溝通的復雜性只會(huì )提升不會(huì )降低?；叵胍幌掠卸嗌俅尾皇悄愕泥]件被人誤解了就是你自己誤解了別人發(fā)的郵件。
For instance, DID YOU KNOW THAT WRITING IN ALL CAPS could be taken as anger and not just enthusiasm, emphasis or excitement? The same goes for formatting (bolding or italicizing) and exclamation marks!!!! In case you haven’t noticed I’m a fan of the exclamation mark but I use it with the intent of communicating enthusiasm. However, I can see how my overuse of the simple exclamation mark could be interpreted as being pushy or trying to make a point.
例如，你知道全部用大寫(xiě)字母會(huì )被當做憤怒而不僅僅是熱情、強調或是興奮嗎？編排格式（粗體、斜體）和感嘆號也是如此?。。?！假使你沒(méi)有注意到我是感嘆號的忠實(shí)粉絲，我用它的目的就是傳遞熱情。然而，我知道我過(guò)度使用了感嘆號這個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單的標點(diǎn)符號是如何被別人理解為執意強求或是試圖表明看法的。
What you may consider to be harmless may be interpreted in as many ways as there are readers of your message. Be aware of this and give a little extra thought before pressing the send button may just save a whole lot of heart ache down the road.
你認為毫無(wú)惡意的言語(yǔ)可能會(huì )讓他人有很多種理解，因為會(huì )有很多人讀你的信息。意識到這一點(diǎn)后，在按下發(fā)送鍵之前多加考慮，這樣或許就在今后避免很多傷心之事。
It may not have anything to do with YOU
這可能跟“你”沒(méi)關(guān)系
How many times have you said something, seemingly harmless, to someone only to have them snap back at you or respond with aggression? Our reactions to what a person communicates can largely be influenced by our mood or what happened immediately before this current exchange.
有多少次你對別人說(shuō)了一些貌似并無(wú)惡意的話(huà)，結果他們卻厲聲反駁你或者帶有攻擊性地回應你？我們對一個(gè)人所傳遞的信息的反應，很大程度上會(huì )受我們的心情或者交流之前發(fā)生的狀況所影響。
Imagine you have just come from a meeting with your boss where she’s said you’ve been doing a fabulous job. She continues to sing your praises and hints towards a promotion in the near future. You are on cloud nine! As you leave her office a fellow coworker comes up and asks you to rework a proposal you had put together because, in their opinion, it’s just not that good. You’re likely to just let it roll off your back, no big deal right? You smile, say “sure no problem” then happily take the proposal and start reworking it.
想象一下你剛從老板那兒開(kāi)完會(huì )，會(huì )上她說(shuō)你一直表現非常出色。她繼續稱(chēng)贊你，暗示在不久的將來(lái)就會(huì )給你升職。你高興得有些飄飄然了！正當你離開(kāi)她的辦公室時(shí)，一位同事走上來(lái)，讓你重新做一份你已經(jīng)做好的計劃書(shū)，因為在他們看來(lái)這份計劃書(shū)并不怎么好。你很可能根本沒(méi)把這當回事兒，沒(méi)什么大不了的是吧？你笑了笑，說(shuō)“當然沒(méi)問(wèn)題”，然后高興地拿走計劃書(shū)開(kāi)始重做。
Now, imagine you have just come from a meeting with your boss where she informs you that your performance isn’t good enough. She also mentions that you are not meeting her expectations and that over the next month she’ll be watching you very closely to make sure you improve. At the end of the meeting she hints towards a layoff if you don’t improve your game. As you leave her office your coworker asks you to rework the proposal because, in their opinion, it’s just not that good. This time do you let the comment roll off your back or are you more likely to snap, burst into tears or verbally attack them?
現在，想象一下你剛從老板那兒開(kāi)完會(huì )，會(huì )上她告知你你的工作表現并不夠好。她還提到你并沒(méi)有達到她期望的那樣，在接來(lái)下的一個(gè)月里，她會(huì )密切注意你確保你有所進(jìn)步。在會(huì )議最后，她暗示如果你的工作沒(méi)有進(jìn)步的話(huà)你將被解雇。正當你離開(kāi)她的辦公室時(shí)，一位同事走上來(lái)，讓你重新做一份你已經(jīng)做好的計劃書(shū)，因為在他們看來(lái)這份計劃書(shū)并不怎么好。這一次，你是不把這當回事兒呢，還是更有可能不耐煩地回應，眼淚奪眶而出或者嘴上反擊呢?
Notice how the stimulus (your coworker) doesn’t change but your response certainly does. It’s important to be aware of this. The next time someone snaps at you for something that is relatively harmless think first about how and if it could have been taken the wrong way and then secondly remember that they could be having a terrible day and this is the last straw.
注意你的反應是如何在刺激物（你的同事）沒(méi)變的情況下必然改變的。意識到這一點(diǎn)非常重要。下一次有人因為你說(shuō)了相對而言并無(wú)惡意的話(huà)而對你怒聲斥罵的時(shí)候，首先想想是不是可能表達的方式錯了，怎么錯的；然后記住，他可能當時(shí)情緒很糟糕，你說(shuō)的話(huà)就成了導火索。
Similarly, consider your reaction to someone else. Were you being unfair in responding the way you did? Are you just having a bad day? Are you just in a bad mood? Having enough self-awareness can stop you from acting in a way that makes you feel unhappy with yourself and is potentially disrespectful to others.
同樣，細想一下你對他人的反應。你是否在回應別人時(shí)也不是很公平？你是不是這一天過(guò)得很不順？你是不是心情很糟糕？有足夠的自我察覺(jué)可以讓你不再做那些讓自己不開(kāi)心還可能對他人無(wú)禮的事情。
Final thoughts
結語(yǔ)
Think before you speak
三思而后行。
Give people the benefit of the doubt, they could be having a bad day
假定人們沒(méi)有錯，他們可能當時(shí)很倒霉。
Apologize if you react negatively to an otherwise harmless situation
如果你對一個(gè)在其他方面并無(wú)惡意的狀況表現消極，請道歉。
Consider all things that go into communicating like tone, expression, volume, font size, formatting etc…
考慮一下有關(guān)溝通的方方面面，例如語(yǔ)氣、表情、音量、字號大小、格式編排等等。
Read and re-read before you hit the send button
在按下發(fā)送鍵之前反復讀一下要發(fā)出的信息。
Communication is complex. Take away the interpersonal aspect – face to face contact, visual cues and body language and you haven’t got much left to work with. Try to gain an understanding of who you’re trying to communicate with. What is their background? What are their experiences? And remember that your message and intent may be harmless but it’s not always WHAT you say, it’s all in HOW you say it.
溝通是復雜的。除去人際關(guān)系方面——面對面的接觸、視覺(jué)提示和體態(tài)語(yǔ)，就沒(méi)剩下多少你需要處理的了。試圖去了解你要去溝通的人。他們有怎樣的背景？他們有怎樣的經(jīng)歷？記住，你的訊息和意圖未必是有惡意的，但是這不總是取決于你說(shuō)的話(huà)，重要的是你要如何表達出來(lái)。
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