兩周前，我寫(xiě)過(guò)一篇名為“愛(ài)是動(dòng)詞”的文章。在羅杰的評論中---要得到滿(mǎn)意的生活就要把愛(ài)情和其它親密關(guān)系當作銀行的賬戶(hù)一樣來(lái)處理。在這里，我想詳細解釋一下這個(gè)想法。
Emotional bank accounts, this is another Covey metaphor to explain how trust is gained and maintained in a relationship and is another one of my “Ah-ha” moments from his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. In my opinion this is one of the most powerful ideas on creating and maintaining relationships with others be it co-workers, friends or family members. Our emotional bank account begins with a zero balance and, like a fiscal bank account, you can make deposits or withdrawals.
情感銀行賬戶(hù)，是科維的一個(gè)比喻，解釋了親密關(guān)系中的信任是如何獲得并得以維系的。當時(shí)我在讀他的那本名為“高效家庭的7個(gè)習慣”的書(shū)，讀到這個(gè)比喻時(shí)，我非常贊賞。我認為在如何創(chuàng )造并維護與他人的良好關(guān)系方面，這是最有力的一個(gè)思想，無(wú)論是對同事、朋友還是家庭成員來(lái)說(shuō)都是如此。我們情感銀行的賬戶(hù)以零開(kāi)始，像財政賬戶(hù)一樣，你可以進(jìn)行存取操作。
Emotional Deposits:
情感儲蓄活動(dòng)有：
·being kind
·待人友好
·apologizing and meaning it
·道歉，不弄虛作假
·saying good things about those that aren’t present
·對不再現場(chǎng)的人給予良好評價(jià)
·making and keeping promises
·承諾并遵守承諾
·forgiving
·諒解他人
Emotional Withdrawals:
情感支出有：
·being disrespectful
·對他人不敬
·putting people down
·壓制別人
·being rude and discourteous
·對人粗魯無(wú)禮
·holding grudges
·嫉恨別人
·throwing the past in people’s faces
·當面評論他人過(guò)去的錯事
·not following through on commitments
·不履行承諾
When we make emotional deposits into a relationship it grows and gets stronger. Our trust, respect and confidence in that person grows and we are more understanding and tolerant of their mistakes when they happen. The flip side to this is continually making withdrawals without having enough in reserve and potentially becoming overdrawn. When this happens it introduces bitterness, resentment and a complete lack of trust. The good news is that this CAN be turned around by making regular deposits.
當我們對一種關(guān)系不斷進(jìn)行情感儲蓄時(shí)，這種關(guān)系就變得越來(lái)越強。我們對一個(gè)人的信任、尊敬和信心不斷增加，我們就越能理解并容忍他們的錯誤。事情的另一面就是不斷的支取，而不進(jìn)行儲蓄，那么很快就會(huì )超支。超支的結果是不滿(mǎn)、憤恨和缺乏信任。好的消息是，這種情況仍可以通過(guò)增加儲蓄來(lái)扭轉。
Here are the 6 major ways of making deposits to an emotional bank account as outlined by Covey.
科維提到了6中向情感賬戶(hù)增加儲蓄的辦法。
1、Understand the person. To truly understand someone else we must be able to empathize, be willing to take a step back, separate ourselves from our own viewpoint and try walking in the other person’s shoes. Truly listen when they are speaking and avoid getting defensive or becoming distracted with trying to think of what you’re going to say in return. Spend some time figuring out what makes them tick and understand why this relationship is important to them and to you. Only by trying to understand who you are building this relationship with can you know which actions are going to be deposits and which are going to be withdrawals in their emotional bank account.
1、理解他人。要真正理解他人，我們必須有同情心，愿意讓步，把自己與自己的觀(guān)點(diǎn)分開(kāi)來(lái)，并能夠設身處地的為他人著(zhù)想。他人在講話(huà)時(shí)要真心傾聽(tīng)，不要有戒備心或者心煩意亂，總試圖想著(zhù)自己怎么回應他人?；ㄐr(shí)間想想是什么讓他們如此表現，理解這種關(guān)系對你和對他們?yōu)槭裁催@么重要。只要努力理解你在和誰(shuí)建立親密關(guān)系，你就能知道什么樣的行為是在增加儲蓄，什么樣的行為是在不斷的支取。
2、Keep commitments. Live with integrity, do what you say you’ll do, and always be true to who you are. Keeping commitments isn’t limited to keeping promises, although that’s a huge component, it is also a demonstration of respect for others you are building relationships with. So show up on time for meetings and appointments, always call if you’re going to be late for dinner, live up to your duties and responsibilities.
2、信守承諾。誠信生活，做你說(shuō)過(guò)要做的事，要做真實(shí)的自己。信守承諾不限于遵守諾言，盡管遵守諾言是一個(gè)重要組成部分，你還有表現出對他人的尊重。按時(shí)參加會(huì )議和約會(huì )也是信守承諾，如果你在參加宴會(huì )時(shí)遲到了，要打個(gè)電話(huà)告知，不辜負自己的任務(wù)和責任。
3、Clarify expectations. It’s nearly impossible to have a relationship thrive and flourish if you don’t know what is expected of you. Imagine showing up to a new job and having your boss expecting you to know how to do something. This is completely unfair and will create a feeling of uneasiness. Ambiguity is detrimental to a relationship especially when it comes to defining roles, delegating responsibility and setting goals. Everyone has different experiences, expertise and capabilities so being up front with what’s expected will save a lot of heartache later on. Some of the expectations Gwynn and I have for our relationship are respect, love, open communication and honesty. We know that these are expected so it’s a lot easier to both be on the same page and honor those expectations.
3、澄清期望。如果你不知道自己的期望是什么，就幾乎不可能有一個(gè)良好的親密關(guān)系。想像一下，你找到了一個(gè)新工作，讓你的老板希望你知道如何做一件事，結果會(huì )如何。這是完全不公平的，會(huì )讓人感到不安。對一種關(guān)系來(lái)講，模棱兩可是有害的，特別是在這種關(guān)系還處于確定角色、分配責任和設定目標的階段時(shí)。每個(gè)人都有不同的經(jīng)歷、技能和能力，直面那些被期望的事情可以避免以后的麻煩。格溫和我對我們之間的一些期望是尊重、愛(ài)、坦誠交流和誠實(shí)。我們知道這些東西是我們所期待的，所以對我們來(lái)說(shuō)很容易達成一致并遵守這些期望。
4、Attend to the little things. It’s the little things that mean the most. Everyone likes to know that they matter, that they are important, appreciated and what they do isn’t going unnoticed. A smile, a wave and nice gesture all speak volumes and account for a lot of the more meaningful deposits in our emotional bank accounts. Don’t let an opportunity to say “thank you” or “good job” pass you by, it’s something that’s so simple and when said with sincerity means a lot.
4、注意小事。以下見(jiàn)大。每個(gè)人都喜歡知道他們很重要，他們被人欣賞，并且，他們做的那些事情不希望被忽視。一個(gè)笑容，一個(gè)姿態(tài)和一個(gè)良好的手勢都有很大作用，都在我們的情感賬戶(hù)了存下了很多的有意義的東西。不要讓說(shuō)“謝謝你”或者“做的真好”的機會(huì )溜掉，這些事情超級簡(jiǎn)單，但是真誠的說(shuō)一句的意義卻很重大。
5、Show personal integrity. This is the most important way of making a deposit. Relationships are built on honesty and trust and if you can’t be trusted to follow through on your word this will likely be the most damaging withdrawal. It comes back to being true to who you are and doing what you say you are going to do. If you say you’re going to meet for lunch DO IT, if you say you’re going to make dinner DO IT, if you say you’re going to work on improving your relationship DO IT.
5、展示個(gè)人的誠實(shí)。這是向情感賬號儲蓄的最重要的方法。親密關(guān)系建立在誠實(shí)和信任的基礎上，如果你被大家認為不守諾言，那么這很可能是破壞性最強的支出。做真實(shí)的自己，做你說(shuō)過(guò)你要做的事情，信任還會(huì )重新出現。如果你說(shuō)你打算一起去吃飯 ，那就去做，如果你說(shuō)打算去吃晚飯，那也就去做，如果你說(shuō)自己打算努力改善你們的關(guān)系，做就好了。
6、Apologize sincerely. MEAN IT when apologizing for something big or something little. Saying sorry is NOT a sign of weakness. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Admitting your mistakes and being sincerely sorry for them can help both of you get over the incident a lot quicker and move forward. When used appropriately these are deposits. However, it can be a double edged sword. Apology after apology for withdrawal after withdrawal will come across as insincere, another withdrawal. It is a delicate balance but when done sincerely it can help to maintain the balance that you created by implementing the previous points.
6、真誠道歉。道歉就要真誠，無(wú)論事情是大還是小。道歉并不是弱者的標志。我們都是人，都會(huì )犯錯誤。承認你的錯誤并真誠道歉可以幫助你們很快克服錯誤，并向前發(fā)展。如果用的適當，這就是在儲蓄。然而，這可能是把雙刃劍。支取之后再支取并為此道歉再道歉會(huì )讓人覺(jué)得不是真誠的道歉，是又一次的支取。這是一個(gè)微妙的平衡，但是真誠的道歉能夠幫助你維持通過(guò)以上各種方法創(chuàng )造的平衡。
Don’t waste another day saying “I should contact Bob” or “I really should do something for Sue” there is no time like the present and it really doesn’t take a lot to make a deposit in their emotional bank account. Don’t forget to keep adding to those strong relationships you have established as well since it’s these continual deposits that have made them so strong in the first place.Take a minute to think of the relationships in your life. Are there any that need to be mended? Are there some that could use a top up?
不要再浪費時(shí)間說(shuō)“我應該和鮑勃聯(lián)系”或者“我真應該為蘇做些什么”、沒(méi)有任何時(shí)間能像現在一樣。在情感賬號里做儲蓄并不花費太多時(shí)間。不要忘記要一直增強你已經(jīng)建立的關(guān)系，因為正是這些持續不斷的儲蓄讓它們變得那么牢固?；ㄒ环昼娤胂肽闵钪械母鞣N關(guān)系。有需要修補的嗎？是否有一些可以作為最后的辦法使用呢？
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