孩子從愛(ài)父母開(kāi)始；一段時(shí)間后，他們評判父母；如果有也很少有孩子會(huì )諒解父母--奧斯卡 王爾德
Childhood Pain
童年痛
Have you been holding onto childhood pain? Do you harbor deep-seeded resentment for the way your parents raised you? Do you blame them for the circumstances of your life today?
你有過(guò)童年痛的經(jīng)歷嗎？你是否隱藏了對父母養育你方式根植于心的積怨？因為如今的生活環(huán)境你埋怨過(guò)他們嗎？
Obviously, not everyone has been blessed with a happy home – with patient, loving, attentive parents.
很顯然，不是所有的人都擁有一個(gè)幸福的家--擁有耐心，慈愛(ài)和細心的父母。
If you are one of the oh-so-many who harbor pent-up feelings toward mom or dad and those pent-up feelings affect you today, you are not alone. Nor are you condemned to a life plagued by the energy-sapping, happiness-stunting emotions of deep-seeded anger and resentment.
如果你正巧是這隱藏對父母的壓抑情緒并且該情緒還在影響你現在生活眾多人群中的一位，那么你其實(shí)并不是特例。你再也不會(huì )被由于深深根植于心的憤恨而受折磨于能量消耗，幸福感萎縮的生活，并且責難著(zhù)自己。
It’s time to let go and move on! And not because your parents necessarily deserve it – they may not! At all. But YOU do! You deserve to be free of such emotional poison. It’s time to let it go.
是時(shí)候消除這些情緒并前進(jìn)了。而且并不是由于你父母應受如此--他們也許就不必，完全不必。但是你必須承受它！你必須從這種情緒毒區中解放出來(lái)。所以，是時(shí)候驅除這股情緒了。
12 Ways to Let Go and Move on
12種驅除憤恨情緒向前進(jìn)的方法
Following, are specific steps you can take to unpack the baggage of blame and anger and resentment and, perhaps, begin to establish a new kind of relationship with your parents, or at least be able to let the past be buried in the past so that you can begin moving forward untethered to the pull of yesterday.
一下是一些幫助你卸下裝滿(mǎn)責備和憤恨包袱和或許能幫你與父母建立新關(guān)系的具體步驟?；蛘咧辽倏梢宰屵^(guò)去葬在過(guò)去，助你開(kāi)始解下舊日的繩索，朝向前方行進(jìn)了。
1. Redefine Your Relationship
1.重新定義你和父母的關(guān)系
Allow people to evolve and change. And remind yourself that parents are people too. Some parents were horrible at parenting but not so bad as friends to their adult children. So be it. Let that be the redefinition of your relationship. Try not to judge the current reality against the context of the past. Instead, try to accept things as they are today.
允許人發(fā)展和改變。提醒自己父母也是平常人。一些父母在為人父母的角色里很糟糕，但是如果他們和自己的成年孩子做朋友的話(huà)，則反倒沒(méi)有那么差。所以就建立這樣適合的關(guān)系，重新定義與父母的關(guān)系。嘗試不要根據的關(guān)系而評判現實(shí)狀況。相反，嘗試著(zhù)去接受事情今日的狀態(tài)。
2. Be Grateful for the Blueprint of what NOT to do Raising Your Kids
2.感激可以有機會(huì )勾勒“不該在養育我自己孩子時(shí)候做什么”的藍圖
We don’t come with owner’s manuals. And yet, we are far more complex than any piece of furniture or computer program we have ever had to put together or install.
我們每個(gè)人都沒(méi)有帶著(zhù)《主人操作手冊》來(lái)到世上的。然而，我們卻比組合一個(gè)家具的部件或安裝電腦程序要復雜得多。
We are also all-too-familiar with the problems that can arise with do-it-yourself projects. Pieces don’t fit. Installations fail. It’s at those moments we are glad there are trouble-shooting instructions or FAQ pages provided.
我們都十分熟悉“動(dòng)手自己做”項目帶來(lái)的一些問(wèn)題。分散的部分不合適，安裝失敗。在這種時(shí)刻，我們很開(kāi)心，因為我們還有《問(wèn)題解決說(shuō)明書(shū)》和常見(jiàn)問(wèn)題答疑。
Well, guess what! Your parents’ mistakes are now effectively your trouble-shooting guide and FAQ page. “What happens if I scream and shout at my kids?” you might want to know. “Oh yeah, my parents did that to me. I know exactly what happens!”
那么，猜猜看會(huì )發(fā)生什么？你父母的錯誤現在正形成你今后問(wèn)題解決指導和問(wèn)題答疑手冊?！叭绻覍ξ业暮⒆觽兇蠛鸫蠼?，會(huì )發(fā)生什么呢？” 你可能會(huì )想知道會(huì )發(fā)生了什么狀況?！班?，是的，我父母對我做過(guò)這些，我特別清楚孩子們會(huì )有什么反應?！?b class="label bg2" jquery1319810373078="133">
3. Forgive Them for Being the Only Thing They Knew how to Be
3.原諒父母只知道一件事情該如何做
Impatient, unkind and punitive parents aren’t impatient, unkind and punitive simply because you were unworthy of their patience, kindness or compassion. They were that way because they are impatient, unkind and punitive people. In other words, how you were treated is all about them, not you.
不耐心，不友善和懲罰性的父母都僅僅只是缺乏耐心，不友好和具有懲罰性特質(zhì)。因為他們覺(jué)得你不值得他們的耐心，友善或同情。他們就是如此，沒(méi)耐心，不友好并且常懲罰人。換句話(huà)說(shuō)，你得到的對待方式是由于他們，而非你的緣故。
So, here’s the point I’m trying to make: All our parenting is done out of the context of who we are and what we know. Each one of us is limited in giving love by the limits to our capacity to love. Your parents were likewise limited. That understanding can lead to compassion which can lead to forgiveness.
所以，在這里我的觀(guān)點(diǎn)是：在不需要了解我們是誰(shuí)和我們知道什么的狀況下，我們所有的養育過(guò)程其實(shí)已經(jīng)完成。因為我們每個(gè)人在給予愛(ài)是都受限于我們各自愛(ài)的能力。你的父母也是如此。這點(diǎn)理解或許可以引得同情并達成對父母的諒解。
4. Recognize They are likely Products of Their own Parents’ Mistakes and Flaws
4.明白你父母也是他們父母錯誤和缺陷的產(chǎn)物
We reap what we sow. And we also “reap” the traits that our parents “sowed” as they raised us. We are products of both parental successes and mistakes.
我們播種什么就會(huì )收獲什么。所以，父母在養育我們的時(shí)候“播種”了什么，我們也會(huì )從中“收獲”什么。我們也同樣是父母養育經(jīng)成功和出錯的產(chǎn)物。
And while we can always learn and grow, most people seem to live on automatic pilot. So, most of us are something within a stones throw of our parents’ behaviors, attitudes and habits. Likewise, mom and dad are products of their parent’s parenting too. Forgive them of that.
然而我們可以常常學(xué)習并獲得成長(cháng)，但大部分人其實(shí)卻是機械地生活著(zhù)。所以，我們中的大部分份都帶有父母的一些行為，態(tài)度和習慣。爸爸媽媽也同樣是他們父母養育成果的產(chǎn)物。關(guān)于這一點(diǎn)，請原諒他們。
5. Write it Down
5.寫(xiě)下來(lái)
Sometimes we bury our feelings where they fester and decay, and then begin to infect other parts of the psyche as well.
有時(shí)候，我們在潰爛和腐朽時(shí)會(huì )掩藏自己的感覺(jué)，然后這些傷口又開(kāi)始傳染給靈魂的其他部分。
Sometimes, like the body expelling poisons, the soul also needs to vomit emotional toxins. Doing this on paper helps sort out feelings and make sense of things. There can be a cleansing quality to putting pain to paper too. Be as explicit and detailed as you can. Dump everything onto the page. It may take several days to get it all out. That’s okay; take the time.
有時(shí)候，就像身體會(huì )驅趕毒物一樣，靈魂也需要吐出一些毒素。把它們在紙上寫(xiě)下來(lái)可以幫助你整理感情并且搞清楚事情。把痛苦寫(xiě)在紙上也可以達到凈化的狀態(tài)。盡可能清楚而詳細地寫(xiě)，把所有的事情傾卸在紙上。也許做完這些需要花幾天時(shí)間。
When you’re done, read it as a solemn recognition of the past. Then light the thing on fire and burn it. Let its ashes float away on the wind or up the vent. As the smoke lifts, feel the emotional baggage float away with it. Feel it rise with the ashes and smoke and disappear and be gone.
當你寫(xiě)完了之后，讀出來(lái)，以示對過(guò)去認真的承認。然后把包在紙里的事情投入火中，燒了它。讓它的灰燼飄散在通風(fēng)口的風(fēng)中。隨著(zhù)青煙升起，情感的包袱也隨之消散。感覺(jué)到的是煩惱與灰燼和煙氣一同上升，消失，然后全都不見(jiàn)了。
And then be done with it. I would suggest this be a one-time expulsion of pent-up emotional poison. Doing this repeatedly can have the unhappy effect of amplifying, rather than muting, the past’s continuing influence as you keep swimming in that polluted pool.
然后繼續把它做完！我認為這是一個(gè)將根植于心的情感毒素一次性清除的行為，重復進(jìn)行的話(huà)只會(huì )放大你的不愉快情緒，不同于壓抑情緒。這些過(guò)去的事情還是會(huì )影響你，就像你一直在污水里游泳一樣。
6. Learn from Parental Strengths and Weaknesses
6.從養育優(yōu)勢和弱點(diǎn)中學(xué)習
Your parents were not just your parents. They, like all of us, are complex beings with a mixed bag of character strengths and flaws. Perhaps you ended up on the receiving end of their flaws. But they are not likely without redeeming qualities as well. See that in them. And commit to learning from both their strengths and weaknesses. And be grateful for the life-lessons learned.
你的父母不僅僅只是你父母的角色，他們，同我們一樣，都是同時(shí)擁有很多優(yōu)點(diǎn)和缺陷特質(zhì)的復雜人類(lèi)?？赡苣銜?huì )成為他們缺點(diǎn)的最終接受端，但是他們并不是一無(wú)是處，總會(huì )有一些可將其彌補的品質(zhì)。注意一下他們身上的這些特質(zhì)，然后學(xué)著(zhù)從他們的優(yōu)勢和劣勢中學(xué)習，并對這一學(xué)到的終身課程心懷感激。
7. Read the Book, A Child Called It, then be Grateful
7.心存感激地讀《一個(gè)被稱(chēng)作“它”的孩子》這本書(shū)
If you’ve read this autobiographical work by Dave Pelzer, you likely know your parents may not have been all that bad after all. Be thankful they at least had something going for them.
如果你讀過(guò)戴夫 佩爾澤的這部自傳作品，你可能會(huì )了解到你的父母沒(méi)準兒也并沒(méi)有那么糟糕。應該感激他們至少并不一無(wú)是處。
This idea is something reminiscent of the principle so powerfully reflected in the Persian proverb: “I wept because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.” So too, we weep for having flawed parents until we read books like A Child Called It and see that at least ours had some “feet.”
這個(gè)想法讓人想起了一個(gè)有力反映在波斯格言中的一條準則，格言是這樣說(shuō)的：“我哭泣因為我沒(méi)有鞋子，但直到我遇到一個(gè)沒(méi)有腳的人，我便不哭了?！蓖瑯右彩侨绱?，我們因為父母帶著(zhù)缺陷而哭泣，直到我們讀到《一個(gè)被稱(chēng)作“它”的孩子》這本書(shū)時(shí)，我們突然意識到，我們的父母都有“腳”，他們是正常人。
8. Let the Work You do in Your Own Home be the Salve that Heals the Wounds in Your Heart
8. 讓你在家中從事的工作成為安慰和治愈心中傷口的良方
If you grew up without love, smother your children with it. If you grew up with family secrets, don’t have any. If you grew up with harsh criticism and ridicule and impatience, then be sure to compliment, love, and exercise patience with your children.
如果你在一個(gè)缺少唉的環(huán)境下長(cháng)大，別讓你的孩子再重蹈覆轍。如果你肩負著(zhù)一個(gè)家庭秘密成長(cháng)，別讓你的孩子再去承受。如果你在苛刻的批評，嘲笑和焦躁下成長(cháng)，請確保一定要稱(chēng)贊，疼愛(ài)并且尋來(lái)耐心地對待你的孩子。
Let the example of decency and compassion you share with them be the focus of your emotional healing. But be sure not to commit the sin of overcompensation. Your role here is to love, not spoil.
可以和他們分享一些體面的可同情的實(shí)例。其重點(diǎn)是進(jìn)行情感修復。但是千萬(wàn)別犯了過(guò)渡補償的錯誤，此時(shí)，你的角色是疼愛(ài)，而非溺愛(ài)。
In a sense, you will be parenting yourself with the love and compassion you wish your parents had shown you as you shower it on your own kids, in some way, making amends for what your parents failed to provide.
在某種意義上，你想用一直想從父母那兒得到的養育方式培養自己，就像用這種方式培養你自己的小孩兒一樣，在某種程度上講，這也是對父母曾經(jīng)未給予的進(jìn)行補償。
In other words, parent yourself vicariously through parenting your own children. Extend to them what your parents failed to extend to you and allow the love flowing from you to your children to heal the wounds from the lack of love flowing to you as a child.
換言之，通過(guò)養育自己的孩子達到補償自己的目的。給予他們那些你從未從父母那兒得到的東西，用自己對孩子的愛(ài)治愈自身因為孩童時(shí)代缺乏關(guān)愛(ài)而留下的心靈創(chuàng )傷。
9. Take Responsibility for Your Life
9.為你的生活負責
This can be a hard pill to swallow. Still, it’s important to stop blaming your parents for current problems. Did they lay the foundation for the problem? Perhaps. But it’s yours now. That’s the inescapable bottom line of it.
良藥苦口，停止因為現狀問(wèn)題責備父母。他們是問(wèn)題產(chǎn)生的根本嗎？也許是，但是現在這些根本原因則要由你承擔了。那才是這個(gè)問(wèn)題不可避免的底線(xiàn)。
You make the decision every day to hold on or let go. That’s your decision only. Accept that as fact. Own it completely and release your parents from the responsibility you’ve pinned to their shoulders for too long.
你每天都會(huì )做很多決定：堅持或是放棄。這是你的選擇。接受現實(shí)，完全肩起這份責任吧。將你的父母從被你牽絆良久的責任枷鎖中釋放出來(lái)。
Don’t get me wrong, here. I am not suggesting your past is your fault. I’m saying that your present is the result of choices you have made, as you have allowed your past to influence them.
不要曲解我的意思。這里我不是認為你的過(guò)去都是你的錯，而是說(shuō)你的父母是你已做這樣的最終結果，就像你一直用過(guò)去的經(jīng)歷影響他們一樣。
This step is admittedly difficult, but it is empowering and liberating once it’s fully accepted and internalized.
這一步確實(shí)很困難，但是一旦它被接受并完全內在化，結果會(huì )明朗很多。
I am who I choose to be. I feel what I choose to feel by choosing what thoughts I choose to harbor and how I choose to think about things. I choose to learn ways to change my thinking and interpretations of life or I choose not to. These are all my choices. And they are yours too.
我做我自己。我通過(guò)選擇已選好的思維和考慮事物的過(guò)程感知我能感受到的。我這樣學(xué)習改變關(guān)于生活的思考和解釋方式，也或者不這樣做。所有這些都是我的選擇，也是你們的選擇。
Final word on this point: Your parents may be responsible for creating the emotional context. You are responsible for keeping that context alive. So stop feeding it and let it wither on the vine.
關(guān)于這點(diǎn)的最后一些話(huà)：你的父母也許應該為制造情感內容負責，但你則要把這些內容生動(dòng)化。所以請停止喂養它，盡快讓它覆滅吧。
10. Talk to Them
10.與他們談心
Not out of rage or to guilt or shame them. Just talk. Be dispassionate. Simply ask them what in the world happened and why. Then listen. Let’s be clear, though, it may make things worse. But then again, it may lead to some kind of resolution.
不要對他們發(fā)怒，也不要讓他們覺(jué)得歉疚，就只是平心靜氣地談心。簡(jiǎn)簡(jiǎn)單單地問(wèn)問(wèn)他們世界上發(fā)生了什么，為什么之類(lèi)的問(wèn)題。然后仔細聆聽(tīng)。清晰地陳述，盡管這樣可能會(huì )讓事情變糟糕，但是之后重復幾次，這便會(huì )得到一個(gè)結論。
Of course, you know your family dynamics; I don’t. So use good judgment as to whether this would be a viable step, but consider it. Depending on circumstances, a neutral location such as a restaurant might be a preferable place for “the talk.” But try to listen and question without judgment.
當然，你知道你的家庭動(dòng)力學(xué)，而我卻不知道。所以用正確的評判來(lái)判定此條是否可行。依環(huán)境而定，像餐廳這樣的中立場(chǎng)所可能是“談心”的最佳場(chǎng)所。但是請記得不要帶著(zhù)評判的眼光傾聽(tīng)和提問(wèn)。
Remember, you’re not there to vent. You’re there to learn and understand and seek closure. Venting will put your parents in a defensive posture and will not likely meet your purpose for arranging the talk in the first place.
請記住，你不是到這里來(lái)釋放感情的，你是來(lái)學(xué)習，理解并尋求結果的。釋放情緒則會(huì )讓父母展示出防御的姿態(tài)，并且可能會(huì )達不到起初安排這次談話(huà)的目的。
11. Stop Putting so Much Stock in How You were Raised
11.停止在“你如何被養大”上投入太多
Instead of constantly peeling away the scabs of life to see how things are healing underneath, decide what you want out of life, what traits are required to obtain what you want, and then act. Work at overcoming emotional obstacles and other personal obstructions without worrying so much about where they came from. Just get on with the work of living well.
別為了一看痊愈事物下層究竟而不停地揭起生活的傷疤。確定一下你在生活之外想得到什么，需要什么樣的特質(zhì)來(lái)獲得你想要的，然后來(lái)采取行動(dòng)。不要擔心這些情緒和其他的個(gè)人障礙源于何處，去克服他們，你只需要外委生活得更好努力。
The past is the past. Let it die there, and stop unburying the dead and move on. Trying to drag the corpse of yesterday through life will make each moment of today a bit more difficult to manage. So find purpose and passion in life and move forward, looking back only long enough to learn from it.
讓過(guò)去的過(guò)去。就讓它安然離去吧，你繼續前進(jìn)，不要驚擾它?？傁胫?zhù)圖粗舊日生活的尸體只會(huì )讓今天的生活更加難以駕馭。所以找準生活的目標，滿(mǎn)懷熱情地前進(jìn)吧。會(huì )看過(guò)去只是為了從中學(xué)到東西。
12. Assume Good Intent
12.假設良好意圖
Assume the best motives behind what very well may have been the worst practices. But assume they did the best they knew how (similar to #3).
假定很棒的結局背后的意圖是好的動(dòng)機自然不是什么好的做法。但是請假定他們可以做得好，他們也知道怎么做。（與第三點(diǎn)類(lèi)似）
We sometimes have the habit of ascribing pure motives to our own flaws and evil intent to others. Instead, try being as magnanimous about their flaws as we hope others will be about our own. When we assume good motives behind misguided practices and weak wills, it is often easier to overlook and forgive their failures.
一些時(shí)候我們都有將單純動(dòng)機歸咎于自身弱點(diǎn)，而將邪惡的意圖歸于他人。但是請對父母的缺陷給予寬宏大量，就像我們常希望他人如此對待我們一樣。當我們假定在誤導實(shí)踐和軟弱意志背后的動(dòng)機都是好的時(shí)候，我們就很容易去忽略和原諒他們的失敗。
Afterthoughts
自省
Sometimes out of a sense that justice must be served, or anger at the unfairness of how we were raised, we keep the pain and anger center court, at arm’s length, always in view. It’s time to stop. It’s time to grow. It’s time to forgive and let go and be free!
有些時(shí)候我們認為應當被公正對待，這樣或許還會(huì )對我們被如何養大這個(gè)問(wèn)題覺(jué)得生氣和不公。請將這份痛苦和氣憤保持在中場(chǎng)，視野范圍內一臂的距離里。是時(shí)候讓這些停止了，也該成長(cháng)了，原諒，放了，你就自由了。
So, what do you think?
你是怎么想的呢？
Have you had success or failure trying to forgive mom or dad? Please share what you’ve learned.
你在試著(zhù)原諒父母時(shí)是成功還是失敗了？請與我們分享你從中學(xué)到的。
What could be added to this list to help overcome the pull of parental mistakes on your life today?
在這份清單上還可以添些什么來(lái)用以克服不被父母錯誤牽絆著(zhù)你如今的生活嗎？
We would LOVE to hear from you in the comments below!
我們很樂(lè )意聽(tīng)到您在下面的評論。
聯(lián)系客服
