外國朋友們，現在請注意：中國的春節就要來(lái)了。在這里，我想嚴肅地和你們說(shuō)說(shuō)雞爪、海參和煙花爆竹的事情。
Now, listen up, you foreigner boys and girls, Chinese New Year is around the corner and I want to talk to you seriously about chicken feet, sea cucumbers and firecrackers.
作為一名中國人，我想要對你誠實(shí)。
As a Chinese, I want to be honest with you.
在過(guò)去的30年里，我們向西方國家敞開(kāi)大門(mén)，歡迎像你們一樣的外國人來(lái)此經(jīng)商、賺錢(qián)，甚至放松信貸允許你們購買(mǎi)不動(dòng)產(chǎn)，迎娶中國女性等等。
For the past 30 years, we have opened up to the West, and welcomed foreigners like yourselves to come here to do business, to make money, even gave you some easy credit to let you buy real estate, marry our women, whatever.
但這些并不表示你成為了一名中國人。有很多事情我們只為自己保留。不管你來(lái)中國多久，都不要假設自己已經(jīng)成為我們中的一員，更不要觸及以下3件事情：
But this does not make you Chinese. There are things we reserve for ourselves, and it really doesn't matter how long you have been here, just don't assume you can be one of us, and don't touch the following three things:
你們中的大多數都能熟練使用筷子。但是，不管你們怎么拿筷子都請不要碰中餐館里的雞爪子。然而，還是有人喜歡炫耀。大多數時(shí)候，你想向女友家人證明你有多么“中國化”。“看，我在吃雞爪子。嗯……好香！”
Most of you are well trained enough to withhold your chopsticks, whichever way you are holding them, and stay away from the chicken feet at Chinese dim sum restaurants. But some of you are show-offs. Most of the time, you are trying to prove to your Chinese girlfriend's parents that you are so Chinese. "Look, I am eating chicken feet. Mmm ... Good!"
千萬(wàn)別這么做！我們真的很討厭外國人咬雞爪子時(shí)的樣子。通常，出于禮貌考慮，你不會(huì )吐出骨頭，而是反復咀嚼試圖將骨頭咽下去。這完全讓人無(wú)法接受。因為，當你這么做的時(shí)候，多數中國人開(kāi)始擔心你會(huì )被這些該死的雞骨頭哽死。而人們根本無(wú)法在憂(yōu)慮中享受中式點(diǎn)心。
Don't do that. We really get annoyed when foreigners try to chomp on chicken feet. Sometimes, you are so polite, you don't spit out the bones, you chew them and try to swallow them. That's totally unacceptable. Because, when you do that, most Chinese start getting anxious about you choking to death on the damn chicken bones. And it is very difficult to enjoy dim sum when you are anxious.
海參同樣不適合你。大多數外國人都對粘滑的海產(chǎn)品感到恐懼——例如海蜇、海參等。但是，也不乏勇敢之人堅持嘗試，并裝作很享受的樣子。多數時(shí)候，這種事情發(fā)生在外國商人身上：他們不想因為拒絕享用最貴的食物而得罪了中國的東道主。
Sea cucumbers are not for you either. Most of you are rather intimidated by slimy sea things--jelly fish, sea cucumbers. But, there are those of you who are so brave that you insist on trying it, and pretend to enjoy it. Most of the time, you are a foreign businessman, you don't want to offend your Chinese host by not eating the most expensive dish ordered.
這里，我要透露點(diǎn)信息給你。你猜怎么著(zhù)？這些都不是為你點(diǎn)的，是為同桌的其他中國人點(diǎn)的！你知道要發(fā)好海參有多難么？沒(méi)有人能在自己家中烹飪海參，只有在餐廳才能吃到。因此，別用你的筷子夾海參了，因為它很可能就被堆在你的餐盤(pán)上而已。你只要禮貌性地將沒(méi)碰過(guò)的海參放回旋轉餐桌即可。我們并不會(huì )被海參騎士精神所感動(dòng)。
I've got some news for you. Guess what? He didn't order it for you! He ordered it for the Chinese at the table! Do you know how difficult it is to soak the sea cucumber? No one can master it in his own kitchen. Only the restaurants can. So stop trying to pick up the sea cucumber with your chopsticks, it will probably end up in your lap anyway. Just politely put the untouched dish back on the lazy susan. We are not impressed by sea cucumber chivalry.
接下來(lái)我們來(lái)說(shuō)說(shuō)煙花。這是完全屬于中國人的。我們真的不想讓你們接近它。首先，這很危險。你不會(huì )理解為什么14億中國人在一夜間都成了“放火狂”。這的確超出你的理解。但我們喜歡煙花，我們從3歲起就開(kāi)始放煙花，這傳統已經(jīng)流傳了5000多年。另一方面，中國人對煙花有很強的忍耐力。那天晚上，即使你毀壞了事物也能逃避懲罰。例如，你可能燒毀了一棟大樓，一棟全新的大樓，里面甚至還有員工。這種水平的“豁達”你又怎能理解？
Now fireworks. It is strictly, strictly for us Chinese. We really don't want you anywhere near fireworks. First of all, it is dangerous. You don't understand why 1.4 billion people have to turn into pyromaniacs for one night. It's totally beyond your comprehension. But we love it; we have been setting off these things since we were three and for 5,000 years. On the other hand, we Chinese have great tolerance for fireworks; it's one night when you can do some damage and get away with it. For example, you can burn a building down, a brand new building, with stuff in it. How can you comprehend that level of generosity?
而你卻不敢做這樣的事，我們也不能容忍這樣的事情發(fā)生。如果你試圖燒毀一棟大樓，我們會(huì )殺了你?；蛟S你只是貪圖一時(shí)痛快闖下大禍，我們真的不在乎你是否精神上受到了干擾，也不在乎你們的首相是否會(huì )無(wú)止境地打來(lái)電話(huà)。
And, don't you dare try to do the same, we simply have no tolerance for it. You try to burn a building down, we will kill you, because, you were probably high, and we really don't give a hoot whether you are mentally disturbed or whether your prime minister is going to make endless harassing phone calls.
因此，你最好老實(shí)待著(zhù)，因為人們要到城鎮放煙花了！
So, you better be good, you better be nice, because firecrackers are coming to town!
